...but it's how I feel.
I. Am. Angry.
I am angry about a lot of things, all at once.
I am angry at all the injustice in the world.
I am angry that a "mother" could throw a baby in a dumpster, when so many mothers-at-heart would give anything for the chance to have a baby to love.
I am angry that a husband and father could leave his family and then have the nerve to try to screw the wife over in every way possible.
I am angry that someone can drive wrecklessly and then the innocent person has to fight for years for justice.
I am angry that the wreckless person can sleep at night while my husband lies there awake and in pain.
I am angry that a "mother" has the ability to keep a loving father out of his child's life.
I am angry that the court system is so slow to act, and so far has not done the best thing for my child.
I am angry that the woman who slept with my husband and conceived a child has the audacity to tell me I have no part in the child's life.
And you know what?
I am angry at God. There. I said it.
I am angry that God didn't stop my husband's accident from happening.
I am angry that Brian has not been healed.
I am angry that God allowed my Nicolas to be born into such a mess.
I am angry that those who lie in a court room under oath don't get struck by lightning. After all, He has done it before!
I am angry that God allows a woman in the midst of a divorce that she didn't ask for to get cancer and lose her breasts.
I am angry that justice takes so long, and sometimes never comes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sigh.
I believe that God is a God of justice. And I still believe that He sees us in our struggle and that He cares. I do. I just don't understand all of the awful things in this world and how they could possibly ever be made to work for anyone's good.
But that's probably why I'm not God...I'd just be done with humanity once and for all. Stinking pile of sin that we are.
There's nothing better than venting it all out. I usually do it some afternoon when I'm home alone. I just sit down and have a good cry and feel so much better afterward. People always say "God has handed you this life because He knows you're strong enough to handle it." Well that's not something that I like to hear. I was not strong enough to handle the things I've endured until I was forced to be strong enough. And even then it doesn't ease my pain to think that God chose my family and inflict illness on those that I love for any reason. The only thing that makes things better for me is to reach out and do something about it. Our fundraisers, donating blood, going to school to become a nurse, reaching out to other families struggling with illness. No one knows why bad things happen, they just do. The people that get knocked down and pick them selves up time and time again are allowed to be angry at God. Anger is healthy, just don't give up. Keep picking yourself up and each time you do make sure you do it with more strength than the last time. Just keep hoping that eventually you will see something good come from all your suffering. That is all one can do.
ReplyDelete"I was not strong enough to handle the things I've endured until I was forced to be strong enough."
ReplyDeleteExactly.
And thanks! It is good to let it out. I don't feel that way all the time, but some days...
(((Donna)))
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone Donna!
ReplyDeleteCheck out the Psalms, lots of anger in there too!