Ever have a parenting moment you aren't proud of? With 5 kids, I've had more than I count, unfortunately.
There is one that stands out and I have tried to never forget. Back in 2009, when my Hannah was only 4, I made arrangements with friends to see the bands Superchick and Barlow Girl a few hours from home. We had a great time, spent the night in a hotel room with lots of friends (like a great big sleepover!), and then were saying our goodbyes in the parking lot. Pictures are necessary for these kind of goodbyes, of course.
At one point, Hannah wanted to take a picture and I reluctantly allowed her to take my precious camera to do so. "Be careful!" I said, but I neglected to fasten the wrist strap on her tiny little wrist. Hannah took the picture and was so proud of herself. I'm sure you can see where this is going...she dropped the camera on the hard, wet blacktop.
My response? I am ashamed to say that I snapped at her for her carelessness (which was really childishness, fitting for a 4 year old), rushed to my camera, and found it damaged beyond repair (I thought...Brian was able to make it work again once we got home). Then...I cried. Over a camera. And yelled at my baby again.
Later, I felt horribly guilty about my behavior and I did apologize. Like any young child, Hannah was quick to forgive me, and I tried to do better from then on, thinking before reacting and such. You know, act like a grown-up in control of my emotions...
She never mentioned it again. Until last night, at the second concert of her life...Francesca Battestelli. Before we left, she asked me if she might be able to take a few pictures at the concert and said, "I promise I will be careful and will put the wrist strap on so I won't drop it like last time."
My heart sunk to my toes at that moment. She forgave me, but she remembers. Her little girl heart soaked up that moment and even with the forgiveness she gave freely, those words I said were still there for her heart to hear almost 5 years later. Her eyes told me she could still feel the failures of that day. I apologized once again for my rotten Mommy moment and told her of course she could take some pictures. I also told her she should be careful but even if there were an accident, it was just a camera and she is far more special to me than any stupid electronic device could be. And I meant it.
That camera...was already two years old when it broke. It was my very first digital camera, given to me by my mom before Levi was born in 2007. I replaced it soon after this incident, and have replaced that one, too! I have learned to always buy the Square Trade warranty from amazon.com, and I hope I have learned to hold much less tightly to things that can be replaced and to use the highest standard of care for my children, who can never ever be replaced. The heart of a broken child is far harder to fix than a broken camera, and impossible to replace.
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Monday, May 23, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgiveness...
Matthew 11:25...And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Thank you, Lord, that I am forgiven, for paying the penalty for my sin. And thank you for the power to forgive through your Spirit.
- does not mean the hurt is gone
- does not mean being around him is a good thing
- does not equal trust
- does not give the perpetrator any place in my life
- gives a freedom, a peace that comforts the hurt
- releases me to follow God
- gives strength to form healthy boundaries
- is most of all for MY benefit
Matthew 11:25...And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Thank you, Lord, that I am forgiven, for paying the penalty for my sin. And thank you for the power to forgive through your Spirit.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Forgiveness and bologna sandwiches
I think I have been overthinking the concept of forgiveness, thinking it had to be some spiritual event and certainly had to result in an epiphany of kindhearted feelings on my part. Lately, I'm thinking it's much simpler.
Forgiveness is...doing something nice for my husband when he's just shown me his oh-so-human side.
Forgiveness is...allowing every day to be a new day for my children.
Forgiveness is...giving friends the same grace I hope they will give me when I need it.
Forgiveness is...making bologna sandwiches for Tractor Man.*
Forgiveness is...meaning it when I tell him to have a great day.
Forgiveness is...knowing God has my future under control, and I don't need to hold onto the anger.
Forgiveness is...knowing that God can handle the justice part, and I don't need to.
Forgiveness is...remembering that I am one of those Jesus was referring to when he said, "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."
I don't have it all figured out, but I think being open to learning is all that is required here...
*Tractor Man...used interchangeably for the man who drove the tractor that hit Brian, and also for the farmer that owns the tractor.
Forgiveness is...doing something nice for my husband when he's just shown me his oh-so-human side.
Forgiveness is...allowing every day to be a new day for my children.
Forgiveness is...giving friends the same grace I hope they will give me when I need it.
Forgiveness is...making bologna sandwiches for Tractor Man.*
Forgiveness is...meaning it when I tell him to have a great day.
Forgiveness is...knowing God has my future under control, and I don't need to hold onto the anger.
Forgiveness is...knowing that God can handle the justice part, and I don't need to.
Forgiveness is...remembering that I am one of those Jesus was referring to when he said, "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."
I don't have it all figured out, but I think being open to learning is all that is required here...
*Tractor Man...used interchangeably for the man who drove the tractor that hit Brian, and also for the farmer that owns the tractor.
Monday, February 21, 2011
A very special day
Today is a very special day. Probably not for the reason you are thinking, as you read this. Yes, it is Hannah's 6th birthday today, and that post will come later. But since this other special day came first, it deserves to come first.
It was 9 years ago, February 21st, 2002. It was a warmish day in Pine Grove, PA, with spring in the air. While Noah napped in his room, I walked up to the mailbox, hoping for something other than a handful of bills.
What I found that day changed the rest of my life in ways I never could have comprehended that afternoon.
But first, a little of the back story that brought us to live in Pine Grove, PA at that time...
It is no secret that Brian and I had a rough few years at the beginning of our marriage. We were both so young (18) and really had no business getting married with the baggage we were both carrying. But we did get married, and while I tried to set up a happy little home (snort), Brian was out...pretending he wasn't married. Sorry, there is no delicate way to say that. He was staying out late, partying, and sleeping with other women. I don't say that to make you all think horrible things about my husband, for he is not that person at ALL anymore, but to understand how we got to this day walking to the mailbox, you have to know what came before. And it was ugly.
So. We ended up separated in the spring of 2001, and back together at the end of the summer, when Noah was 18 months old. At that point, everything was out on the table, Brian admitted he had been a complete _______________ (fill in the blank with whatever nasty word you'd like...but remember, this is not the Brian of today). I had some requirements to us getting back together: 1) We had to move away. The influences here in NY were out of control and I wanted to remove them from his life. 2) We had to attend church as a family. And 3) He had to work. Full-time. No excuses. He agreed, went to school for a few months to learn to drive a tractor trailer, got a job driving out of Carlisle, PA, and we moved to Pine Grove on our 3rd anniversary...January 1, 2002.
Life had been rocky, but it was going to be good now. We began to heal, to learn to work together, learned to be parents as a team, and having only each other to rely on was a big part in that. Then something incredible happened. I found a church for us to attend (remember, requirement 2), and on Brian's second time there, February 3rd, he was moved by the Spirit of the Living God, and accepted Christ as his Savior!
WOOHOO!!! Now life would be really good! The past was behind us, and the future was bright.
Back to the mailbox...
There was an envelope from County Family Court. Weird. Not even the county we had lived in. And it was thick. As I opened it, my heart beat faster until I felt nauseous. Blah, blah, blah, appear on this date, to answer these charges...you are the putative father of Nicolas S. C------, date of birth 2-7-01, whose mother is J----- C-------. Putative? I didn't even know what that word meant, but the rest of it was pretty clear. Brian had another son. Maybe. Noah had a brother. Maybe. I had a stepson. Maybe.
I walked in the house, shaking, glad Noah was still sleeping. Quickly, I called Brian's sister. Yes, she was the first one to know. I asked her if she knew this woman, and she didn't. I asked her to please not say anything to anyone, and she agreed.
Ironically, it was the day Brian was coming in from the road for a few days, and Noah and I went to pick him up at the truck terminal an hour away. I probably wasn't fit to drive, alternating between crying and shaking. My nice, neat world was falling apart before my eyes.
I meant to wait to say anything until we were all in the car. But I couldn't, and my tear-stained face gave me away anyway. The first words out of my mouth were, "Do you know J---- C-----?" He didn't deny it. But it's not like I hadn't known. I knew there were other women. The past was behind, forgiven, gone. Until all of a sudden, it wasn't gone, and turns out, never really would be.
What followed was a lot of pain, a lot of tears, a lot of what ifs, and five months later, when we got to meet Nick, a lot of love. And a lot of healing. And learning what real forgiveness is. It was not easy, and sometimes still is not easy.
Truth be known, had I known then the agony of today, of being kept from MY son, Nicolas, of seeing my other kids miss him desperately, I might have demanded we not have anything to do with him. But there is a reason we don't know what lies ahead for us in life...probably many reasons, most of which we may never know. But I know that the decisions we made then to be in his life as fully as we could be, which led us to move back to NY only 8 months after we had left "for good", were and are the right decisions.
I can't imagine my life without that little boy. My little boy. I never went through labor with him, but the anguish of the heart was more than enough to count him as my own.
It was 9 years ago, February 21st, 2002. It was a warmish day in Pine Grove, PA, with spring in the air. While Noah napped in his room, I walked up to the mailbox, hoping for something other than a handful of bills.
What I found that day changed the rest of my life in ways I never could have comprehended that afternoon.
But first, a little of the back story that brought us to live in Pine Grove, PA at that time...
It is no secret that Brian and I had a rough few years at the beginning of our marriage. We were both so young (18) and really had no business getting married with the baggage we were both carrying. But we did get married, and while I tried to set up a happy little home (snort), Brian was out...pretending he wasn't married. Sorry, there is no delicate way to say that. He was staying out late, partying, and sleeping with other women. I don't say that to make you all think horrible things about my husband, for he is not that person at ALL anymore, but to understand how we got to this day walking to the mailbox, you have to know what came before. And it was ugly.
So. We ended up separated in the spring of 2001, and back together at the end of the summer, when Noah was 18 months old. At that point, everything was out on the table, Brian admitted he had been a complete _______________ (fill in the blank with whatever nasty word you'd like...but remember, this is not the Brian of today). I had some requirements to us getting back together: 1) We had to move away. The influences here in NY were out of control and I wanted to remove them from his life. 2) We had to attend church as a family. And 3) He had to work. Full-time. No excuses. He agreed, went to school for a few months to learn to drive a tractor trailer, got a job driving out of Carlisle, PA, and we moved to Pine Grove on our 3rd anniversary...January 1, 2002.
Life had been rocky, but it was going to be good now. We began to heal, to learn to work together, learned to be parents as a team, and having only each other to rely on was a big part in that. Then something incredible happened. I found a church for us to attend (remember, requirement 2), and on Brian's second time there, February 3rd, he was moved by the Spirit of the Living God, and accepted Christ as his Savior!
WOOHOO!!! Now life would be really good! The past was behind us, and the future was bright.
Back to the mailbox...
There was an envelope from County Family Court. Weird. Not even the county we had lived in. And it was thick. As I opened it, my heart beat faster until I felt nauseous. Blah, blah, blah, appear on this date, to answer these charges...you are the putative father of Nicolas S. C------, date of birth 2-7-01, whose mother is J----- C-------. Putative? I didn't even know what that word meant, but the rest of it was pretty clear. Brian had another son. Maybe. Noah had a brother. Maybe. I had a stepson. Maybe.
I walked in the house, shaking, glad Noah was still sleeping. Quickly, I called Brian's sister. Yes, she was the first one to know. I asked her if she knew this woman, and she didn't. I asked her to please not say anything to anyone, and she agreed.
Ironically, it was the day Brian was coming in from the road for a few days, and Noah and I went to pick him up at the truck terminal an hour away. I probably wasn't fit to drive, alternating between crying and shaking. My nice, neat world was falling apart before my eyes.
I meant to wait to say anything until we were all in the car. But I couldn't, and my tear-stained face gave me away anyway. The first words out of my mouth were, "Do you know J---- C-----?" He didn't deny it. But it's not like I hadn't known. I knew there were other women. The past was behind, forgiven, gone. Until all of a sudden, it wasn't gone, and turns out, never really would be.
What followed was a lot of pain, a lot of tears, a lot of what ifs, and five months later, when we got to meet Nick, a lot of love. And a lot of healing. And learning what real forgiveness is. It was not easy, and sometimes still is not easy.
Truth be known, had I known then the agony of today, of being kept from MY son, Nicolas, of seeing my other kids miss him desperately, I might have demanded we not have anything to do with him. But there is a reason we don't know what lies ahead for us in life...probably many reasons, most of which we may never know. But I know that the decisions we made then to be in his life as fully as we could be, which led us to move back to NY only 8 months after we had left "for good", were and are the right decisions.
I can't imagine my life without that little boy. My little boy. I never went through labor with him, but the anguish of the heart was more than enough to count him as my own.
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