Acceptance

Levi screamed his way through games at AWANA tonight.  The game was kickball and he was happy when he was kicking or running bases, but the outfield was just too unpredictable for him, I think.  You never know where the ball is going and he is still just a little guy, so the big kids kept getting the ball in "his" area.  We ended up skipping that part for most of the game, because sometimes it's just not worth it to try to force something he can't handle.

It was one of those times when I just feel like I have no idea how to help him.  BUT...the game leader and other leaders are wonderful.  I have told them that I view the whole thing as a kind of social therapy for him.  When I need help, they are happy to help and very good at loving on my Hannah-girl, who is in the same class and has to pretend I'm not there so I can deal with Levi.  They are also perfectly willing to just take my smile and nod as "I've got this" and keep doing what they are doing with the other kids.  I shadow him all through game time, give deep pressure while he sits on my lap during Bible time, and work with him one-on-one for his memory work. 

It's a hard 90 minutes, but when I leave there, I don't feel like he is too much trouble. I'm not crazy or imagining his issues, and we are accepted just as we are. 

Church-hopping

No, that's not what we're doing.  But we are taking some time to visit some other churches in the area. 

Why are we doing this?  Well, someone from my past, who has no place in my present or future, has planted himself in my church.  He won't leave (yet), so we have.  Hopefully temporarily.  We'll see what God does...it may be permanent, and that will be okay too.  Not fun, but okay. 

Good things we hope to find...

• GOD!  I think it will be good to be able to see God in other churches and places other than the one we've been in for the past, uh, ever. 
• I also hope this will help our kids to see God is alive and working in other places, and this doesn't have to look exactly the same everywhere.
• A stronger family identity.  Kids who identify more with our family unit than with any other group of people (no matter how awesome and loving...family FIRST!).
• Growth in Brian and I.  This is a very stretching experience for us all.
• Healing.  God's hand on my heart, healing the things that hurt so badly.

Hard things...

• Leaving friends, not knowing if it is temporary or permanent.  I mean, they're still our friends, but it's different when you don't see them every week.  And it hurts.  Bad.  I intend to keep up with everyone, and things like Facebook help some, but everyone is so busy...it's going to be work to keep friendships strong and current.
• Brokenness.  I feel so very broken right now, from "having" to leave our church, and from other hard things in life.  The pride in me would rather not walk into a church of mostly strangers and cry through all of worship and half the sermon.  But it's all I can do.  I have nothing to give right now, and that's okay.  I just wish it didn't have to be such a public brokenness.

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This past Sunday, we went to a church our pastor and others had recommended to us.  It's a new-er church, only a couple/few years old.  Pretty small, although they just moved into a new building (which used to be the skating rink I hung out at when I was a teen!).  We knew a handful of people, which was nice, with one good friend who instantly reduced me to a blubbering mess with her tender welcome.  The service was good.  Different from what we're used to, but good.  God was definitely there.  And this is definitely stretching all of us...

Noah cried the night before.  I didn't expect him to have too much of a hard time, but I was wrong.  Then he howled most of the way to church.  Hannah was also very unhappy, but not as bad as I thought she would be.  She was most upset that this church didn't have children's church for anyone over 5.  I let her bring a coloring book, and Noah brought a notebook, but they are definitely big enough to sit through a service now, and although this was their only but very LOUD complaint, it's not one we will use if we do have to choose a new home church.

Next week...I think we're going to my parents' church, since it is Father's Day.  I know we would be welcome there all the time, and we know pretty much the whole church, but I feel like we need our space as a family.  So we'll enjoy visiting a more familiar church next week.  And then see where God leads us from there.

One oh.so.hysterical moment as visitors...Levi likes to sneak up to the front of the van and honk the horn before we can stop him.  Only this time, it didn't do a quick beep and then we all scream, "LEVI!"  Oh no, this time, the horn stuck ON!  It was probably only 30 seconds, but it felt like half of forever.  Great, Levi.  Way to draw attention to the new people!  LOL...life is never dull.