Tractorversary and other things...

These were the 5 repeated phrases from the VBS our church just finished:
Day 1:  No matter who you are...trust God!
Day 2: No matter how you feel...trust God!
Day 3: No matter what people do...trust God!
Day 4: No matter what happens...trust God!
Day 5: No matter where you are...trust God!

Do you see a common theme there? ;)  I was a crew leader (aka helper) in the preschool.  I felt kind of obligated to be there because both of my kids were there and one of them is a super duper handful (take a wild guess...starts with an L).  It was (mostly) a good time though and I was very often reminded that I need to trust God with every tiny detail in my life.  All of them.  Just trust Him.

You wouldn't think trust would be such a hard thing.  After all, God has never ever ever proven Himself untrustworthy in my life.  In the past, every hard thing, even the really terrible things, have been used by God for my good.  I can see it, looking back.  Why then, is it so very difficult to see the good in the "now" hard things?  I guess it's all a matter of faith, of constantly choosing to see the end result is going to be good...even when what I see now is terribly hard and definitely not good.

The 4th tractor-versary of Brian's accident was last Friday.  I meant to post something here that day, but it was the last day of VBS.  And my 13 year old cat died the night before.  And I had a massive headache all day from a "flying truck" incident at Day 4 VBS.  So...I let the day go by, just trying to hold on and get through it.  Which I did, in case you're wondering.

I've come to realize that for Brian and I, life will always be split into two sections...before and after.  I've also come to realize that, except for those who are very close to us, other people don't see our lives that way.  For them, 4 years is long enough that Brian just "is" the way he is.  The accident is water that has long ago passed under the bridge.  There is no then and now, no before and after.  I think they don't even remember him/us before.  They don't live it every day, so I can't really blame them. 

But I remember. 
I remember a father who loved to hike off trails with his kids. 
I remember a father who could kick or throw a ball without pain.
I remember a father who could relieve me every night, even after he worked all day. 
I remember a father who would climb the stairs every night and put the kids to bed.
I remember a father who rough-housed with the kids, rolling on the floor with them, roaring with laughter.

Some of my kids don't and won't remember that dad.  I am glad they still *have* a dad.  Don't get me wrong.  But it breaks my heart to think of all the "can't dos". 

I remember a Paul Bunyan of a man...logging and cutting up our heat for the winter.
I remember a man who liked to rollerblade and ride a bike.
I remember a husband who could go for a walk around the block.
I remember a husband who wasn't afraid of anything.
I remember a man who really didn't know what pain was.

God has done great and amazing things in our life since the accident.  And yet...so much is left undone still, even 4 years later.  I never imagined we would be floating in limbo this long, not sure of what to do or where to go next. 

I would have though by now, God, You would have reached down, and wiped our tears away.

God is still good.  Life is still good, even if it takes a little longer to find the good.  We will make it through this, even if "this" is the rest of our lives, as it appears to be.  I must daily choose to trust the One Who knows my name, the One Who sees my hurt, the One Who loves me.  There really is no other option, besides despair.

Homeschool conference

The last time I went to the upstate NY homeschool conference, I didn't know I had two kiddos with special needs.  I didn't have a broken husband either.  A whole lot of "life" has happened since then.

This year, Brian, Noah, and I went.  I wanted Noah's input on his curriculum, and the conference has a Teen Track, with workshops for the 12 and up crowd.

Some things I learned...
* There are a LOT of parents taking charge over their special need's kid's schooling!
* My "little" boy does pretty well in a crowd of people he doesn't know.  I don't think he talked to his peers much, and there was no talk of emails or addresses exchanged.  But he sat through each session, near the front, and even took notes so he could tell me what they were about later on!  For a momma with a "tough kid"...this was all amazing.  Very proud of my boy!
* My husband is not the man I married.  This is a good thing. ;)  He is amazing and his near constant high spirits humble me.  He's always been one to agree with whatever I chose, but this time, when I asked for his input on what math curriculum to get and which literature packets to get...he gave me well thought out input!  I went with his ideas there, of course! 
* God sets up some really cool meetings.  I met a lady with a son with very similar issues to Noah...same age, too!  We picked out spelling curriculum together and exchanged email addresses.  Brian met several people who had  been in car accidents or who had knee replacements.  Nearly everyone asked Brian what happened to him, since he was on crutches.  What an encouragement so many people were to us, and what FAITH so many have!  God is good...
* We need to go at least every other year, if not every year.  It's not about finding curriculum, though that is why we went this year.  It's about knowing that we're not alone.  Realizing that there are others who have very real struggles, just like us.  Being encouraged and convinced that each of us has the power, in Christ, to keep moving forward in whatever journey God has called us to.

Hold that lemon tart

Househunting is on hold.  For maybe a year.  Hopefully not more.

It stinks.

But somehow...it seems we've learned to bounce back from a whole lot of crap. 

This is a minor bump in the road.

And I will be making that darned lemon tart.  Someday.

On the road again...

Not the kids and I this time.  BRIAN!!! 

The man got his hopes up.  Kept them up despite repeatedly being told, "Nope, sorry...no recent experience."  He called and emailed and applied and called and called.

And he got a job.  He's been at it a week and a day now, and just got into his own truck the other day.

We'll miss him while he's gone, and he's missing us already.  But for a man to have a job...after these past 3 years have tried to strip him of his manhood...well, it's worth it, and we'll be just fine.


I am so. stinking. proud. of. my man!  Way to keep swinging, honey!

"Don't get your hopes up"

Twice in a week, I have been told this..."don't get your hopes up".  This is in regard to Brian looking for a trucking job.  Both people have (thankfully) been just acquaintances, not good friends or anything.

But don't get your hopes up?  Seriously?  We've done pretty well with that on our own the past few years.  Knowing everytime we went to a doctor, it was probably not going to be good news.  Knowing that we had more surgeries to come.  Not seeing a lot of improvement, and any we did see being painfully slow.

To the man who said this tonight, I wish I had put my head up, looked you in the eye, and said, "Don't get our hopes up??  Do you know my husband?  The man will do what he sets out to do.  And I will be cheering him on the whole way.  Don't get my hopes up?  Mumble, mumble, mumble...why don't you go suck on a lemon?"

And if I don't get my hopes up...what then?  Do I just hope we get to live on foodstamps the rest of our lives?  What about when SSDI stops coming in...in 10 days?  Just suck it up, live with it.  Live in defeat?  We will not.  I will not.

My hope comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  I will lift my eyes to HIM alone.  Now get thee behind me, satan.  You won't have this man, and you won't have this family.