One Word

I first heard about this on Klove's morning show.  And then our home group decided to do it also.

From myoneword.org...

“My One Word” is an experiment designed to move you beyond the past and look ahead. The challenge is simple: lose the long list of changes you want to make this year and instead pick ONE WORD. This process provides clarity by taking all of your big plans for life change and narrowing them down into a single thing. One word focuses on your character and creates a vision for your future.

Me too!

Levi was searching through the underwear bin to find some to wear to school this morning.  We keep his and Esther's in a basket downstairs.  The other day, he accidentally put on girl undies, so he was especially concerned about getting it right this time.

"Mom, which ones are mine again?"

"The ones with a hole for your tail."  (He also likes to wear them backwards so we joke that the hole is for his tail.)

"These?"  (Holding up a pair of white undies with pink lace at the top...and no tail hole.)

"No, buddy, they have to have a hole for your penis.  Those are girls undies...girls don't have penises, so no hole."

"And I DO have a penis, Mom!"

Esther pipes up, "Me, too, Mom!!!!"

Our first month without cable!

We have completed our first month without cable TV!  I do not regret a minute of it.  I don't think the kids even miss it, since we still have Netflix (streaming and DVDs).  Brian probably misses it the most, but even he would say it is a good thing.

Some positive changes I have noticed so far...

• the TV is not on every minute of the day
• I am not having to say over and over SHUT THE TV OFF
• when they watch something, there is no fight over shutting it off when it's done, since there are no commercials telling them all about the show that is coming on next
• no more tweeny-bopper smooching, dating, STUPID shows that "accidentally" come on after approved programs
• I am getting to bed sooner, and reading more
• Brian is reading more also
• we are more likely to play a game
• we have been having devotional time with Noah and Hannah before they go to bed, and also reading outloud together
• when we do watch tv, we are much more likely to watch something as a family or a couple
• savings of $40-50/month on our phone/internet/cable bill

My only regret?

Not doing it sooner.

Seriously.

This ain't going to be pretty...

...but it's how I feel.

I. Am. Angry.

I am angry about a lot of things, all at once.

I am angry at all the injustice in the world. 

I am angry that a "mother" could throw a baby in a dumpster, when so many mothers-at-heart would give anything for the chance to have a baby to love.

I am angry that a husband and father could leave his family and then have the nerve to try to screw the wife over in every way possible.

I am angry that someone can drive wrecklessly and then the innocent person has to fight for years for justice. 

I am angry that the wreckless person can sleep at night while my husband lies there awake and in pain.

I am angry that a "mother" has the ability to keep a loving father out of his child's life.

I am angry that the court system is so slow to act, and so far has not done the best thing for my child.

I am angry that the woman who slept with my husband and conceived a child has the audacity to tell me I have no part in the child's life.

And you know what?

I am angry at God.  There.  I said it.

I am angry that God didn't stop my husband's accident from happening.

I am angry that Brian has not been healed.

I am angry that God allowed my Nicolas to be born into such a mess.

I am angry that those who lie in a court room under oath don't get struck by lightning.  After all, He has done it before!

I am angry that God allows a woman in the midst of a divorce that she didn't ask for to get cancer and lose her breasts.

I am angry that justice takes so long, and sometimes never comes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sigh.

I believe that God is a God of justice.  And I still believe that He sees us in our struggle and that He cares.  I do.  I just don't understand all of the awful things in this world and how they could possibly ever be made to work for anyone's good.

But that's probably why I'm not God...I'd just be done with humanity once and for all.  Stinking pile of sin that we are.

Sunday Seven

Trying out some memes for my blog.  Which basically means using someone else's ideas and filling up some space when I can't think of something intriguing and meaningful to say.

Today's...

Seven books I want to read this year...

#1...

 I got through mid-August last year in trying to read through in a year.  This year, I'd like to finish what I started last year (hey, better late than never!) and keep going.  I'm not setting a goal as to how far to read, just to read at least 5 days a week.

#2...

I'm in the middle of this one right now.  Okay, stuck in the first 50 pages.  But yeah...once it gets going, I'll zip through it.


#3...

I've read some of his stuff and LOVE it all.  This series is definitely on my list this year!

And onto some more serious books...

#4...

We've been married 12 years and have 5 kids.  You'd think we'd have this all figured out.  But you know, life is always changing and marriage needs to be a priority since we have a lot of years of marriage left, God-willing.  So...we're gonna turn up the heat this year! :D

#5...

We've been doing family devotions here lately, but I spotted a few of this book on a friend's bookshelf and they graciously let us have one (thanks Justin and Sandy!).  So Brian and I are going to go through this one together!  I'm scared a little because I know it's going to stretch us.  And super excited to see what God will do!

#6...

Another extra from my friend Sandy!  Cuz she's awesome like that!  "Finding Intimacy with God in the Busyness of Life".  And my life is busy, so...yeah.  Looking forward to reading it.



#7...

Haven't read any of these yet, but a friend (Kristi!) has convinced me that I should read them and that maybe I will like them?  We'll see, but at least I'll be able to have an informed opinion on Harry Potter and whether I want my kids to read them or not at some point.  So read them, I shall!

This is all on top of my required reading for school, of course.  And any other reading I do with Noah and Hannah for their school (maybe that'll be another list for another day).  And any other reading I do to help me get inside Levi's brain.  In order to do all this reading, I'm going to have to stop twittering away time on the internet.  Not that the internet is bad, but a lot of time is wasted on nothingness.  Might as well be reading instead, right?  So here goes nothing...

What do you want to read this year?

Mental health and all that

Levi sees a mental health counselor through the county, and has been seeing her since September.  At first I was nervous about seeing a counselor for a 3 year old, but our much loved pediatrician recommended it for him based on the destructive behaviors we were (and are) seeing.  So I agreed to try it, thinking we might go for a month or two.

Well, I think his mental health appointments are more helpful for me than they are for Levi!  I can tell her when I'm about to tear my hair out because he pooped in his pants for the 6th time this week.  She asks about the whole family, and recognizes what an impact Brian's accident has had and continues to have on us all.  She encourages me in what we are doing well for Levi and gives me ideas of other things to try.  She congratulates me when I find a solution that works, like noise reducing headphones during worship at church!  She has never had a bad word to say about homeschooling, even my desire to homeschool Levi at some point.

Most importantly...she listens.  Sometimes you just need someone to really hear you.  Thanks, Malea!

Every girl is a princess

Every girl needs to know she is a princess.  Absolutely loved and irreplacable.

It starts with a tiny girl and her Daddy.  She is cherished and adored, protected at all costs.  She doesn't have to learn to trust her Daddy; it just comes naturally.  She knows if she jumps, he will always catch her.  She knows when he throws her in the air, he won't drop her.  She is the apple of her Daddy's eye and knows that won't change through her life.

Then comes a little girl and her Daddy God.  She'll see Him much as she does her earthly Daddy, be that for good or bad.  If she can never make her Daddy happy, she'll wonder if she can ever please God.  If her Daddy is overly authoritative, she will think God is also.  If her Daddy is an angry man, she'll view God as a black thundering cloud over her life, just waiting for her to mess up so he can zap her with a bolt of electricity.  If Daddy is wishy washy and sets no boundaries, her God will be wimpy also.  If her Daddy abuses her emotionally, physically, sexually, or spiritually, it will take a miracle for her to learn to trust God.  If a Daddy was never there (physically or emotionally), she will wonder if God is really there.

Even as an adult, girls need their Daddy.  She needs him to step back and let his little girl grow up.  She needs him to support her choice for a mate, and not try to interfere in that relationship.  And if that relationship goes bad, she needs him to be there to fall on, without a hint of "I told you so!"  She needs him to love her children unconditionally.  She still needs him in her life, but it is different now.  Now she needs to straighten out her own view of God and know that a Daddy is sometimes a very poor reflection of Him.  She needs to know that her Daddy is not perfect, but that he loves her and thinks she is the very best daughter a man could have.

A Daddy's first and most important job is to be a little girl's first picture of God.  Why give such a task to a fallible man?  Surely God knew that so many Daddies would fail, for lack of understanding the task in the first place?

I think He also knew that having a little girl would drop many a strong man to his knees, praying that he would be a good dad to her.

First week of school for Levi

Day 1...He got up and dressed super quickly.  The bus surprised us by being 15 minutes earlier than we thought, but we were ready!  On the way out the door, we had a little disagreement over him wanting to bring crackers with him in case he didn't like the food there.  He was smiling when he got on the bus...and sobbing when he got off.  He had fallen asleep and woken up in a strange place.  He doesn't wake up well even in a familiar place.  He wouldn't talk about school, though the daily report said he did well.  All I could get out of him was, "I had to sit at a table 5 times and it was NOT fun."  Of course, I didn't push too hard either.  Destressed with Mario, and wouldn't take his coat off until bed time.  Peed in my bed while playing.  This is all new to both of us.

Day 2...Again dressed quickly, surprising me.  He was very excited this morning, so the first day must have been more fun than he let on.  He even got off the bus smiling this time, though still cranky all evening.  School wears him out, even with a nap on the way there and on the way home (1 hour + bus ride!).  Mommy was nervous today, but daily report says he did well.  Destressed again with Mario the second he got home, but I successfully cut it off at half an hour.  Peed in my bed AGAIN...marking his territory?  Mario has to get out of my room!

Day 3...Didn't want to get dressed.  Ah, here is the Levi I am familiar with.  I'm sure there will be some days he goes to school in jammies, but not today.  Also didn't want to wear his boots, "Why do I have to wear boots if I'm inside at school??"  Reminded him that he does sometimes go out at school and we want his piggies to be toasty warm on the bus.  Sneakers are in the backpack.  Three inches of new snow on the way out to the bus convinced him that boots were a good idea.  Nana got him off the bus today, as Brian and I had appointments in Syracuse.  I'm not sure how he did today, as the contents of his backpack were strewn through the house and I couldn't find his daily report.  He pooped in his pants tonight, which he hasn't done in a while.

Day 4..."I have to go to school AGAIN??  I did it every day!"  Still got dressed and got on the bus pretty easily.  Daily report says he did well again.  More than a bit of Mommy guilt floating around today.  How is it that he is marked "happy" every day in school and he is just miserable and destructive at home?  What is wrong with me that I can't make him a happy little boy?  And surely it must make me a bad mom to feel such relief at being able to work with the other kids and not worry about what Levi is into now.  Sigh.  One more school day in this week...oh, and he peed in my bed again.  He hasn't had this many accidents in the past month.

Day 5...Very cranky getting dressed this morning.  And when the bus came, it was a substitute driver AND aide, which worried me, but apparently he did okay.  Daily report says, "He is doing wonderfully!"  I'm glad.  And sad.  I do hope he comes out with the same behaviors we've been dealing with at home.  Will they think we made it all up?  Pooped in his pants again tonight.  Ugh.  I reminded him that there is no school tomorrow; hoping he'll sleep in and catch up on some of his lost sleep.

SATURDAY!!!!  Woke up at 8 and in a very good mood.  He does appear to be learning some things already.  Hannah was pestering him and instead of flying off the handle, he told her, "My teacher says we have to be kind, Hannah, and that was not kind."  It was a rather shocking conversation between the two of them. 


Observations:

• He has had an accident every single day this week.  This has got to be related to school starting, but I have no idea how to deal with it other than hope he adjusts quickly and it stops.
• I am on an emotional rollercoaster, alternately very happy over the decision to send him to school and distraught with my failings as Levi's mom.
• I think 5 days a week is too much for him.  These next two weeks are 4 day weeks, so hopefully that will help with the adjustment.
• We survived the first week.  I survived the first week.

Glasses update :)

As of this morning, three pairs of missing glasses have mysteriously materialized.

Noah's crawled out of his room.  I think they were scared.

As I put the plunger back in its spot (don't ask), I spotted Levi's glasses behind the toilet.  I'm not going to ask.  I advise you not to either.

Hannah's glasses were the last to emerge.  I told Hannah if she found them, I would give her $1.  I told her she should start by looking in all the crap under her bed, and also under her dresser.  Wouldn't you know, she had them in my hand within 2 minutes and was asking for her dollar!  A promise is a promise, so I gave her the dollar.  I also told her this is the one and only time she will get a reward for finding her own glasses.  Next time I'll offer a dollar to the sibling that finds them and a spanking if it isn't Hannah. :S 

Kid knew right where they were... {insert shaking of head here}

Glasses...

How many pairs do we have in our house?

Daddy...1 pair of reading glasses, 384 pairs of sunglasses

Mommy...2 pairs

Noah...2 pairs

Hannah...2 pairs

Levi...2 pairs

Anyone want to guess how many pairs we actually HAVE?

Daddy...1 pair of reading glasses, 2 pairs of sunglasses

Mommy...1 pair of glasses.  The dog ate my good pair a couple days ago.

Noah...none to be found.  1 pair has been lost half of forever.

Hannah...none to be found.  1 pair has been lost half of forever.

Levi...none to be found.  He yanks them off his head and breaks them when he gets mad.  Just had 2 broken pairs combined into one decent pair.  And now the decent one has gone missing.

Seriously?

Is it any wonder I have lost my last marble??





Christmas is done

The tree is down.  The decorations are put away.  The stocking candy has all been eaten.  I threw out the last crumbs of cookies the other day.

And Nick missed it all. 

Actually, he missed everything from carving our Halloween pumpkins on.  We had found beautiful pumpkins this year, and were going to carve them the afternoon that my boy's mother came and stole him from our house on our weekend.  We never did carve them, and the pumpkins rotted on the steps.

Thanksgiving wasn't too bad, since Nick would have been with his mom this year anyway.

The first week in December, Brian and I realized that it was not likely Nick would be here at all for Christmas.  Instead of hoping for a change of her miserable heart each time he was supposed to be here, and then dealing with the cries and wails of siblings missing their brother, we sat the kids down and told them that Nick would not be here for Christmas.  Yes, it would suck, and no, it was not fair, but there was nothing we could do about it.  We determined to enjoy Christmas and the family we could see and love in person.

I think we did a decent job of it.  But I have to admit, now that everything is put away, I feel a little more dead inside.  I would say peaceful, but it is not a peaceful peace, but more of a resignation to what is and an exhaustion with fighting against what it seems we will never win.

The reality is, Nick is almost 10 years old.  We have been in his life, constantly, consistently, never missed a visit, never had unpaid child support.  And yet, if the judge decides he is old enough to decide for himself, I am pretty sure she's got him brainwashed enough that he'll say he doesn't ever want to come here again.

Our only hope is the judge seeing through her lies.  So...our only hope is God revealing it to the judge, because she was born to lie, that one.  And unfortunately, she's taught Nick well.

I think we're over 30 days of missed visitation now.  I don't have the heart to count, but it's got to be close.  A whole month...