Ever have a parenting moment you aren't proud of? With 5 kids, I've had more than I count, unfortunately.
There is one that stands out and I have tried to never forget. Back in 2009, when my Hannah was only 4, I made arrangements with friends to see the bands Superchick and Barlow Girl a few hours from home. We had a great time, spent the night in a hotel room with lots of friends (like a great big sleepover!), and then were saying our goodbyes in the parking lot. Pictures are necessary for these kind of goodbyes, of course.
At one point, Hannah wanted to take a picture and I reluctantly allowed her to take my precious camera to do so. "Be careful!" I said, but I neglected to fasten the wrist strap on her tiny little wrist. Hannah took the picture and was so proud of herself. I'm sure you can see where this is going...she dropped the camera on the hard, wet blacktop.
My response? I am ashamed to say that I snapped at her for her carelessness (which was really childishness, fitting for a 4 year old), rushed to my camera, and found it damaged beyond repair (I thought...Brian was able to make it work again once we got home). Then...I cried. Over a camera. And yelled at my baby again.
Later, I felt horribly guilty about my behavior and I did apologize. Like any young child, Hannah was quick to forgive me, and I tried to do better from then on, thinking before reacting and such. You know, act like a grown-up in control of my emotions...
She never mentioned it again. Until last night, at the second concert of her life...Francesca Battestelli. Before we left, she asked me if she might be able to take a few pictures at the concert and said, "I promise I will be careful and will put the wrist strap on so I won't drop it like last time."
My heart sunk to my toes at that moment. She forgave me, but she remembers. Her little girl heart soaked up that moment and even with the forgiveness she gave freely, those words I said were still there for her heart to hear almost 5 years later. Her eyes told me she could still feel the failures of that day. I apologized once again for my rotten Mommy moment and told her of course she could take some pictures. I also told her she should be careful but even if there were an accident, it was just a camera and she is far more special to me than any stupid electronic device could be. And I meant it.
That camera...was already two years old when it broke. It was my very first digital camera, given to me by my mom before Levi was born in 2007. I replaced it soon after this incident, and have replaced that one, too! I have learned to always buy the Square Trade warranty from amazon.com, and I hope I have learned to hold much less tightly to things that can be replaced and to use the highest standard of care for my children, who can never ever be replaced. The heart of a broken child is far harder to fix than a broken camera, and impossible to replace.
