Music of the year(s)

The song of 2011...

And the song going into 2012...

Happy New Year to all of my readers...all 3 of you. :P

Good-bye 2011

As each year comes to an end, I tend to think back through the year and re-analyze everything I've already overanalyzed to death.  This year is no different.  And so...a recap of 2011...

Best moments...

5.  A most awesome spur of the moment road trip...Richmond, Atlanta, Nashville, SometowninthemoutnainsofWVirginia, Pittsburgh, RuralmidPA.  It was on this trip that I realized my kids are really good travelers!  I hope to have many more adventures with them.

4.  On the above mentioned trip, getting to meet several friends I have known for years online.  They were all that I pictured and more!  My kids now have friends all over the country, and they talk about them near daily.

3.  Earning my AS in Accounting.  With a 3.98 GPA.  I'm not done yet, but I officially feel like I have accomplished something.  Hopefully this high will carry me through the next two years, as I work toward my BS, also in accounting.

2.  Brian went back to work!  Three years and twelve days after being run over by a John Deere tractor, my amazing husband went back to work.  As a truck driver, no less...  Definitely a high point of this year!

1.  Realizing that no matter problem comes into our life or what obstacle God allows to be placed in our path...He has good plans for us.  He is faithful.


Worst moments...

5.  Lies and liars.

4.  Family court.  January, April, and July.  A complete crock.  Pinnacle of injustice.  Refer back to #5.

3.  Losing Nick.

2.  Losing my son, Nick.

1.  Definitely losing Nick.  My son.


Somehow, by the sheer grace of God, we have carried on.  This is the hardest thing we have ever faced as a family.  Worse than Brian's accident, even, though I believe this is all tied together with his accident.  By that, I mean...I don't think we would have started on this journey of losing Nick if the accident had not happened.  But it did.  And here we are.  As hard as it is to close this chapter of our life and leave one of my babies behind, I do look forward to being done with this year and moving onto the next.

In 2012, I hope...

5.  To start a new life with my husband and 4 kids.  Nick will always be a part of us.  But it is time for this family, what is left of us, to get a fresh start.

4.  To finish the civil court crap for Brian's accident.  I never thought it would take this long, but word is...we're getting there.

3.  To gain new vision for our family.  To dream new dreams, hope new hopes, and pray new prayers.

2.  To bring all of the kids back home for the next school year.  This will be a big part of building our family in unity this year, I think.

1.  To move.  Away from here.  Again, a big part of building our family unity.  I have no doubt this will be difficult, but it will be an adventure, too.  There's no one else I'd rather be on this life-adventure with than my Brian and our children.

Christmas Eve

Here I sit, in the dark,
enjoying the twinkle of the lights on the tree,
envisioning the smiles the pile of presents will bring.
Loving my children...all of them.
The four snuggled up in their beds,
and the one snuggled in another house.
Our second Christmas without him.
Only this year, we know it's going to stay this way.

I am sorry, sorry to all of my children.
I cannot lessen this pain for you.
I can only love you through it,
and hope that one day,
long in the future,
things will be made right.
And maybe we'll all understand why this had to happen.

Because right now?  We just don't know...

Down the mountain

Little girl
Shy and afraid
No purpose in life
Wounded and left
Alone in the world
Filled with horrors of what she had done
And what had been done to her
Wanting life to end
Threw away her life
Failed at everything

Then, one day...
She had the opportunity to go back to that place,
That place of failure, of fear.
Of pain, of despair, a complete lack of hope. 
That place of despising herself,
Of knowing she could never be anything in life. 
And on that day,
As she looked back down the mountain,
At the depths she had been lifted from...
On that day...

A grown woman,
Secure and confident,
Leading a life full of purpose,
With scars as a testimony of grace,
Healed by her Maker and fully loved,
Realizes she was never alone.
Conquering her education,
Making the best of life.
Not perfect, for sure,
But definitely not a failure.

Now looking ahead
With trepidation and awe
At the mountains yet to climb
Untold sorrows
And unknown joys
She will forever climb
And she will not fail
Because she will always remember
The bottom of that valley of death
And the grace that lifted her out.

Shutdown mode

Did you ever get into shutdown mode?  You have so  many things to do, and so much stress, that you don't even know where to begin.  So instead, you do nothing.  Or, if you're me, you play useless Facebook games or even blog for no real reason.

In my defense, I did write a 10 page paper for Business Statistics yesterday, which took pretty much all day.

I am so done with this semester, and I have been for a couple weeks now.  One more day of class, 5 finals, and then it will be done with me toooooo!

Yes, Business Org and Management...I hear you calling.  Yes, before I go to bed tonight, I will have written a beautiful 4 page paper for you, too.  Everyone wants a piece of me...

Almost there...

5 days of class

1 project

1 paper

1 math test

1 take home final

3 finals

And then...I get a piece of paper that says I have accomplished something!  Not the last piece of paper I hope to get, but still...an important step on this journey to improve my life and my family's lives.

When I started my college journey, I never thought it would take this long to get here.  Of course, I also thought I would be working on a social work degree, not accounting.  That was 14 years ago.  And that's okay.  Life changes, we change.  Oh, how I have changed...I am not even sure I would recognize the person I was back then if I saw me on the street.  And that's a good thing.

One thing I know for sure as I cross this hurdle and get ready for the next set of them...every day I am made more aware of all that I do NOT know.  Also a good thing.

Next Wednesday, I have big plans.  I will shoo the three little kids off to school.  I will then climb into my bed and sleep until they come home.  That will be a wonderfully marvelous day!