And the song going into 2012...
Happy New Year to all of my readers...all 3 of you. :P
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Music of the year(s)
And the song going into 2012...
Happy New Year to all of my readers...all 3 of you. :P
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Good-bye 2011
As each year comes to an end, I tend to think back through the year and re-analyze everything I've already overanalyzed to death. This year is no different. And so...a recap of 2011...
Best moments...
5. A most awesome spur of the moment road trip...Richmond, Atlanta, Nashville, SometowninthemoutnainsofWVirginia, Pittsburgh, RuralmidPA. It was on this trip that I realized my kids are really good travelers! I hope to have many more adventures with them.
4. On the above mentioned trip, getting to meet several friends I have known for years online. They were all that I pictured and more! My kids now have friends all over the country, and they talk about them near daily.
3. Earning my AS in Accounting. With a 3.98 GPA. I'm not done yet, but I officially feel like I have accomplished something. Hopefully this high will carry me through the next two years, as I work toward my BS, also in accounting.
2. Brian went back to work! Three years and twelve days after being run over by a John Deere tractor, my amazing husband went back to work. As a truck driver, no less... Definitely a high point of this year!
1. Realizing that no matter problem comes into our life or what obstacle God allows to be placed in our path...He has good plans for us. He is faithful.
Worst moments...
5. Lies and liars.
4. Family court. January, April, and July. A complete crock. Pinnacle of injustice. Refer back to #5.
3. Losing Nick.
2. Losing my son, Nick.
1. Definitely losing Nick. My son.
Somehow, by the sheer grace of God, we have carried on. This is the hardest thing we have ever faced as a family. Worse than Brian's accident, even, though I believe this is all tied together with his accident. By that, I mean...I don't think we would have started on this journey of losing Nick if the accident had not happened. But it did. And here we are. As hard as it is to close this chapter of our life and leave one of my babies behind, I do look forward to being done with this year and moving onto the next.
In 2012, I hope...
5. To start a new life with my husband and 4 kids. Nick will always be a part of us. But it is time for this family, what is left of us, to get a fresh start.
4. To finish the civil court crap for Brian's accident. I never thought it would take this long, but word is...we're getting there.
3. To gain new vision for our family. To dream new dreams, hope new hopes, and pray new prayers.
2. To bring all of the kids back home for the next school year. This will be a big part of building our family in unity this year, I think.
1. To move. Away from here. Again, a big part of building our family unity. I have no doubt this will be difficult, but it will be an adventure, too. There's no one else I'd rather be on this life-adventure with than my Brian and our children.
Best moments...
5. A most awesome spur of the moment road trip...Richmond, Atlanta, Nashville, SometowninthemoutnainsofWVirginia, Pittsburgh, RuralmidPA. It was on this trip that I realized my kids are really good travelers! I hope to have many more adventures with them.
4. On the above mentioned trip, getting to meet several friends I have known for years online. They were all that I pictured and more! My kids now have friends all over the country, and they talk about them near daily.
3. Earning my AS in Accounting. With a 3.98 GPA. I'm not done yet, but I officially feel like I have accomplished something. Hopefully this high will carry me through the next two years, as I work toward my BS, also in accounting.
2. Brian went back to work! Three years and twelve days after being run over by a John Deere tractor, my amazing husband went back to work. As a truck driver, no less... Definitely a high point of this year!
1. Realizing that no matter problem comes into our life or what obstacle God allows to be placed in our path...He has good plans for us. He is faithful.
Worst moments...
5. Lies and liars.
4. Family court. January, April, and July. A complete crock. Pinnacle of injustice. Refer back to #5.
3. Losing Nick.
2. Losing my son, Nick.
1. Definitely losing Nick. My son.
Somehow, by the sheer grace of God, we have carried on. This is the hardest thing we have ever faced as a family. Worse than Brian's accident, even, though I believe this is all tied together with his accident. By that, I mean...I don't think we would have started on this journey of losing Nick if the accident had not happened. But it did. And here we are. As hard as it is to close this chapter of our life and leave one of my babies behind, I do look forward to being done with this year and moving onto the next.
In 2012, I hope...
5. To start a new life with my husband and 4 kids. Nick will always be a part of us. But it is time for this family, what is left of us, to get a fresh start.
4. To finish the civil court crap for Brian's accident. I never thought it would take this long, but word is...we're getting there.
3. To gain new vision for our family. To dream new dreams, hope new hopes, and pray new prayers.
2. To bring all of the kids back home for the next school year. This will be a big part of building our family in unity this year, I think.
1. To move. Away from here. Again, a big part of building our family unity. I have no doubt this will be difficult, but it will be an adventure, too. There's no one else I'd rather be on this life-adventure with than my Brian and our children.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas Eve
Here I sit, in the dark,
enjoying the twinkle of the lights on the tree,
envisioning the smiles the pile of presents will bring.
Loving my children...all of them.
The four snuggled up in their beds,
and the one snuggled in another house.
Our second Christmas without him.
Only this year, we know it's going to stay this way.
I am sorry, sorry to all of my children.
I cannot lessen this pain for you.
I can only love you through it,
and hope that one day,
long in the future,
things will be made right.
And maybe we'll all understand why this had to happen.
Because right now? We just don't know...
enjoying the twinkle of the lights on the tree,
envisioning the smiles the pile of presents will bring.
Loving my children...all of them.
The four snuggled up in their beds,
and the one snuggled in another house.
Our second Christmas without him.
Only this year, we know it's going to stay this way.
I am sorry, sorry to all of my children.
I cannot lessen this pain for you.
I can only love you through it,
and hope that one day,
long in the future,
things will be made right.
And maybe we'll all understand why this had to happen.
Because right now? We just don't know...
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Down the mountain
Little girl
Shy and afraid
No purpose in life
Wounded and left
Alone in the world
Filled with horrors of what she had done
And what had been done to her
Wanting life to end
Threw away her life
Failed at everything
Then, one day...
She had the opportunity to go back to that place,
That place of failure, of fear.
Of pain, of despair, a complete lack of hope.
That place of despising herself,
Of knowing she could never be anything in life.
And on that day,
As she looked back down the mountain,
At the depths she had been lifted from...
On that day...
A grown woman,
Secure and confident,
Leading a life full of purpose,
With scars as a testimony of grace,
Healed by her Maker and fully loved,
Realizes she was never alone.
Conquering her education,
Making the best of life.
Not perfect, for sure,
But definitely not a failure.
Now looking ahead
With trepidation and awe
At the mountains yet to climb
Untold sorrows
And unknown joys
She will forever climb
And she will not fail
Because she will always remember
The bottom of that valley of death
And the grace that lifted her out.
Shy and afraid
No purpose in life
Wounded and left
Alone in the world
Filled with horrors of what she had done
And what had been done to her
Wanting life to end
Threw away her life
Failed at everything
Then, one day...
She had the opportunity to go back to that place,
That place of failure, of fear.
Of pain, of despair, a complete lack of hope.
That place of despising herself,
Of knowing she could never be anything in life.
And on that day,
As she looked back down the mountain,
At the depths she had been lifted from...
On that day...
A grown woman,
Secure and confident,
Leading a life full of purpose,
With scars as a testimony of grace,
Healed by her Maker and fully loved,
Realizes she was never alone.
Conquering her education,
Making the best of life.
Not perfect, for sure,
But definitely not a failure.
Now looking ahead
With trepidation and awe
At the mountains yet to climb
Untold sorrows
And unknown joys
She will forever climb
And she will not fail
Because she will always remember
The bottom of that valley of death
And the grace that lifted her out.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Shutdown mode
Did you ever get into shutdown mode? You have so many things to do, and so much stress, that you don't even know where to begin. So instead, you do nothing. Or, if you're me, you play useless Facebook games or even blog for no real reason.
In my defense, I did write a 10 page paper for Business Statistics yesterday, which took pretty much all day.
I am so done with this semester, and I have been for a couple weeks now. One more day of class, 5 finals, and then it will be done with me toooooo!
Yes, Business Org and Management...I hear you calling. Yes, before I go to bed tonight, I will have written a beautiful 4 page paper for you, too. Everyone wants a piece of me...
In my defense, I did write a 10 page paper for Business Statistics yesterday, which took pretty much all day.
I am so done with this semester, and I have been for a couple weeks now. One more day of class, 5 finals, and then it will be done with me toooooo!
Yes, Business Org and Management...I hear you calling. Yes, before I go to bed tonight, I will have written a beautiful 4 page paper for you, too. Everyone wants a piece of me...
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Almost there...
5 days of class
1 project
1 paper
1 math test
1 take home final
3 finals
And then...I get a piece of paper that says I have accomplished something! Not the last piece of paper I hope to get, but still...an important step on this journey to improve my life and my family's lives.
When I started my college journey, I never thought it would take this long to get here. Of course, I also thought I would be working on a social work degree, not accounting. That was 14 years ago. And that's okay. Life changes, we change. Oh, how I have changed...I am not even sure I would recognize the person I was back then if I saw me on the street. And that's a good thing.
One thing I know for sure as I cross this hurdle and get ready for the next set of them...every day I am made more aware of all that I do NOT know. Also a good thing.
Next Wednesday, I have big plans. I will shoo the three little kids off to school. I will then climb into my bed and sleep until they come home. That will be a wonderfully marvelous day!
1 project
1 paper
1 math test
1 take home final
3 finals
And then...I get a piece of paper that says I have accomplished something! Not the last piece of paper I hope to get, but still...an important step on this journey to improve my life and my family's lives.
When I started my college journey, I never thought it would take this long to get here. Of course, I also thought I would be working on a social work degree, not accounting. That was 14 years ago. And that's okay. Life changes, we change. Oh, how I have changed...I am not even sure I would recognize the person I was back then if I saw me on the street. And that's a good thing.
One thing I know for sure as I cross this hurdle and get ready for the next set of them...every day I am made more aware of all that I do NOT know. Also a good thing.
Next Wednesday, I have big plans. I will shoo the three little kids off to school. I will then climb into my bed and sleep until they come home. That will be a wonderfully marvelous day!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Waves
Emotions come in overwhelming waves, good or bad.
When a wave of peace rushes over me, I know that we are making the right choices. That we are going where God wants us to go in life. That He will work out all the details and every single thing will be just fine. No, better than fine!
And then there are times, when the waves of loss, of sorrow, of agony wash over me. I can't breathe. There is a physical pain in my chest and my gut. I wonder if life can really go on. I know we will never make it out of this in one piece.
Those waves can come and go multiple times in a day. The feelings are real. The place they come from are very real and valid. I even think I *must* experience these waves, or there is no going forward at all.
But this I know. My. God. Is. Faithful. He is the Rock I cling to, and I will remember the gentle waves of peace and comfort even when those are not the waves I see this moment.
We will make it through...
When a wave of peace rushes over me, I know that we are making the right choices. That we are going where God wants us to go in life. That He will work out all the details and every single thing will be just fine. No, better than fine!
And then there are times, when the waves of loss, of sorrow, of agony wash over me. I can't breathe. There is a physical pain in my chest and my gut. I wonder if life can really go on. I know we will never make it out of this in one piece.
Those waves can come and go multiple times in a day. The feelings are real. The place they come from are very real and valid. I even think I *must* experience these waves, or there is no going forward at all.
But this I know. My. God. Is. Faithful. He is the Rock I cling to, and I will remember the gentle waves of peace and comfort even when those are not the waves I see this moment.
We will make it through...
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Loss
When you endure a loss that knocks you to your knees...
When day by day, someone you love more than life just...slips away...
When there is nothing you can do to stop it...
When people try to comfort that this loss is not so bad...
When all you can do is cry...alone...
But this loss...this one very few know. The loss of losing a child who lives on still. The day by day, little by little loss of a child, but not to death, not to disease, not even to harmful things of their own choosing. The loss of a child to a mother who hates his father. The loss of a child to a mother who hates God.
When day by day, someone you love more than life just...slips away...
When there is nothing you can do to stop it...
When people try to comfort that this loss is not so bad...
When all you can do is cry...alone...
...God is there.
When a child dies, people grieve with you. When an unborn baby is lost, many understand.
But this loss...this one very few know. The loss of losing a child who lives on still. The day by day, little by little loss of a child, but not to death, not to disease, not even to harmful things of their own choosing. The loss of a child to a mother who hates his father. The loss of a child to a mother who hates God.
This is the loss of a child. My child. We are losing him. We have already lost him. I'll always be his mom, and he'll always be my son. People don't understand, but he is already gone...
And yet, the rest of "us" have to go on.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Insanity
Einstein's definition of insanity...
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
It's very true.
Our family is going to be having some really big changes coming up. I can't go into them here at this point, but know that God is leading us to good things. Change is scary, for sure, but also so very exciting!
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
It's very true.
Our family is going to be having some really big changes coming up. I can't go into them here at this point, but know that God is leading us to good things. Change is scary, for sure, but also so very exciting!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Everything
Everything falls apart.
Cars.
Houses.
Bodies.
Families.
We can't hold any of it together in our own power.
I can't hold any of it together.
For many years, I mourned the loss of the vision I had of a "whole family." Without my Bible study ladies, I doubt I'd have made it through those years. But I did.
And just when I started to accept that my little, imperfect family was just right...BAM. Gone. G.o.n.e.
We can see him now. For 4 hours a week. With supervision. IF his mother lets him come.
Even when he is here, it's abnormal. Nothing fits. We're all nervous. She knows she can do as she pleases, and he...my little boy...he has changed. He's not really a part of us anymore, even though he always will be.
Somehow, the six of us have got to get our feet under us again. We've got to learn to live without him. The Nick-sized hole in our lives is tearing us all to pieces.
We are not okay.
And I can't hold any of it together...
Cars.
Houses.
Bodies.
Families.
We can't hold any of it together in our own power.
I can't hold any of it together.
For many years, I mourned the loss of the vision I had of a "whole family." Without my Bible study ladies, I doubt I'd have made it through those years. But I did.
And just when I started to accept that my little, imperfect family was just right...BAM. Gone. G.o.n.e.
We can see him now. For 4 hours a week. With supervision. IF his mother lets him come.
Even when he is here, it's abnormal. Nothing fits. We're all nervous. She knows she can do as she pleases, and he...my little boy...he has changed. He's not really a part of us anymore, even though he always will be.
Somehow, the six of us have got to get our feet under us again. We've got to learn to live without him. The Nick-sized hole in our lives is tearing us all to pieces.
We are not okay.
And I can't hold any of it together...
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Random
Competitive advantage.
Learning organizations.
How much does it cost for my van to be driven one mile?
Ani difranco has what to do with anthropology?
Inverse trigonemetric functions and correct domain.
Cumulative frequency distrubution.
StatTools and pie charts.
How many students must get trashed tomorrow night for this to cease to be an educational institution?
Blackboard and not the kind you write on with chalk.
I wonder if my professor is the missing link.
There you have it...a sneak peak into my brain.
Scary, huh? :P
Learning organizations.
How much does it cost for my van to be driven one mile?
Ani difranco has what to do with anthropology?
Inverse trigonemetric functions and correct domain.
Cumulative frequency distrubution.
StatTools and pie charts.
How many students must get trashed tomorrow night for this to cease to be an educational institution?
Blackboard and not the kind you write on with chalk.
I wonder if my professor is the missing link.
There you have it...a sneak peak into my brain.
Scary, huh? :P
Monday, August 29, 2011
The baby
Two days ago, I still had a baby. I looked over at her just now, sitting with her big sister and watching some girly princessy cartoon. What I saw was a big girl, a bona fide preschooler. I'm not sure how that transition happens in the blink of an eye, and I fully adore the little girl she is at this moment in time. But oh, how I will miss that baby...
The days go by so fast. It was just yesterday that she and I experienced the miracle of birth together. But really, it was three years and a yesterday ago.
Esther Hope, you were made for exactly this time in our family, and exactly this time in history. You amaze me every day, and I just absolutely adore you. All that you are. Quiet stubbornness. Beautiful sweetness. Loving kindness. A daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. Never, ever forget...God made you special and He loves you very, very much!
The days go by so fast. It was just yesterday that she and I experienced the miracle of birth together. But really, it was three years and a yesterday ago.
Esther Hope, you were made for exactly this time in our family, and exactly this time in history. You amaze me every day, and I just absolutely adore you. All that you are. Quiet stubbornness. Beautiful sweetness. Loving kindness. A daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. Never, ever forget...God made you special and He loves you very, very much!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
A trucker's life
Disclaimer: I have never been, nor do I intend to be, a truck driver.
Driving all hours of the day and night, never any kind of schedule. When dispatch beckons, you best be ready. And happy about it.
Eating PB&J every day for a week. Because eating out on the road is expensive, and you're not driving to fill your own belly, but the little ones at home.
Calling home at the least convenient times. You have no concept of the schedule in your own home. You're busy bringing home the bacon...following someone else's agenda.
Dealing with other drivers who have no sense of self-preservation. Knowing that if you lose focus for just a nanosecond, that guy reading the paper and swerving into your lane is toast. And it'll probably be labeled your fault.
Kids calling you, just to hear your voice. Being loved, and wishing you were home. Tucking them in over the phone, telling them to mind their Momma.
Giving up all of your time "off" to spend with your family. Daddy do this, Honey please...the list never ends. You don't get a rest.
A road warrior. Keeping the road as safe as you can, going out of your way to make it so. Every day, something unexpected, quite often dangerous. And no combat pay.
The life of a truck driver...is HARD.
If you know one, thank him or her. If you don't know one, please, please, please...be courteous to them on the road. Let them go first. Watch at corners and stay back if they're in process of turning. Don't pull back in front of them until you can see the grill of the truck in your rearview mirror. Don't hang out in blind spots or by the axles.
When you head to the store, or the pharmacy, or the drive-through...remember those who made it all possible. Your life of convenience is made possible by someone else's life of inconvenience. And they'll get up tomorrow and do it all again. Just doing their job, you know...
Driving all hours of the day and night, never any kind of schedule. When dispatch beckons, you best be ready. And happy about it.
Eating PB&J every day for a week. Because eating out on the road is expensive, and you're not driving to fill your own belly, but the little ones at home.
Calling home at the least convenient times. You have no concept of the schedule in your own home. You're busy bringing home the bacon...following someone else's agenda.
Dealing with other drivers who have no sense of self-preservation. Knowing that if you lose focus for just a nanosecond, that guy reading the paper and swerving into your lane is toast. And it'll probably be labeled your fault.
Kids calling you, just to hear your voice. Being loved, and wishing you were home. Tucking them in over the phone, telling them to mind their Momma.
Giving up all of your time "off" to spend with your family. Daddy do this, Honey please...the list never ends. You don't get a rest.
A road warrior. Keeping the road as safe as you can, going out of your way to make it so. Every day, something unexpected, quite often dangerous. And no combat pay.
The life of a truck driver...is HARD.
If you know one, thank him or her. If you don't know one, please, please, please...be courteous to them on the road. Let them go first. Watch at corners and stay back if they're in process of turning. Don't pull back in front of them until you can see the grill of the truck in your rearview mirror. Don't hang out in blind spots or by the axles.
When you head to the store, or the pharmacy, or the drive-through...remember those who made it all possible. Your life of convenience is made possible by someone else's life of inconvenience. And they'll get up tomorrow and do it all again. Just doing their job, you know...
Friday, August 12, 2011
School year plans
It's going to be an interesting year. Brian's return to work has made us rethink and replan. I have one more semester to complete my associate's degree in accounting, so it would be foolish to stop at this point.
Noah is in 6th grade and is going to continue to homeschool. This is the best fit for him/us, and he is old enough to work independently some of the time. He'll be coming to college with me and working there while I'm in class. His math, science, and computer courses are online, which he seems to really like. English (Language Mechanics and Editor in Chief from The Critical Thinking Company) and History (Ancient Civilizations from Answers in Genesis) will be done with me. Those are both new for us, and I am super excited to have more one on one teaching time with Noah. I think he's going to like these. Writing reports will be a focus this year, which he does not love, but I am hoping with interesting topics, he will find it less painful. He'll continue swim and gym, AYSO soccer, AWANA, and start guitar lessons.
Nick is in 5th grade and will be attending public school. This year is his first in middle school, which means a new building and a LOT more kids. He'll be playing football this fall, and hopefully be back to spending more time with us.
Hannah is in 1st grade and will be attending Christian school. Her bestest buddy/rival :) will be in her class. She's been begging to go to "real school", and if she can stop socializing long enough to learn, I think this will be a great year for her. She will miss swim and gym greatly, but you can't have everything, I suppose. She will continue AYSO soccer, AWANA, and I hope will take dance lessons at some point this year.
Levi is in preK and will continue in his special needs preschool program. He is doing amazingly well there, and I am very pleased with the services he has received. I hope that getting him help this early will pretty much negate the issues he/we are dealing with. He'll start AYSO soccer this year, hopefully go to AWANA more regularly, and I plan on keeping him out of school so he can attend swim and gym on Thursdays. That sounds bad, but I believe it will be useful for him as a kind of OT. Swimming is relaxing for him.
Esther will be in preschool at the same school as Hannah. There is no way she is old enough for that, and yet...she is. She'll be 3 in 16 days. How time flies... It will be interesting to see how she does on her own. She has rarely even been in the church "nursery" without Levi! I know she will love playing with so many kids and learning new things. I will be glad to know she is with wonderful people while I am in school.
I will not be working this semester, which is WONDERFUL. Last semester was beyond rough, and there is no way I could work and go to school while Brian is working too. I counted on him to run the house and take charge of the kids last semester. It's nice to know I won't have to work. So very thankful for that!
So...my classes...I will be taking anthropology, cost accounting, pre-calculus, business statistics, and businesss organization/management. I have to be honest. Business statistics scares the snot out of me. I know two other people who are taking the same class at the same time. I hope they don't count on me to help them! Back in my pre-marriage and kids life, I took statistics and, well, let's just say it did not go well. I am excited about anthropology though...heard the professor is really good! Cost accounting will be very interesting, and I liked the chapter I had on it last semester. Pre-calc will hopefully be alright. I did reach the point last semester where math got to be actual work for me to learn. Business org/management is my only online course this semester...no idea how that will go.
Lots of changes, but we can handle them! Going back to using my planner for EVERY appointment and assignment, for sure! Here we go...
Noah is in 6th grade and is going to continue to homeschool. This is the best fit for him/us, and he is old enough to work independently some of the time. He'll be coming to college with me and working there while I'm in class. His math, science, and computer courses are online, which he seems to really like. English (Language Mechanics and Editor in Chief from The Critical Thinking Company) and History (Ancient Civilizations from Answers in Genesis) will be done with me. Those are both new for us, and I am super excited to have more one on one teaching time with Noah. I think he's going to like these. Writing reports will be a focus this year, which he does not love, but I am hoping with interesting topics, he will find it less painful. He'll continue swim and gym, AYSO soccer, AWANA, and start guitar lessons.
Nick is in 5th grade and will be attending public school. This year is his first in middle school, which means a new building and a LOT more kids. He'll be playing football this fall, and hopefully be back to spending more time with us.
Hannah is in 1st grade and will be attending Christian school. Her bestest buddy/rival :) will be in her class. She's been begging to go to "real school", and if she can stop socializing long enough to learn, I think this will be a great year for her. She will miss swim and gym greatly, but you can't have everything, I suppose. She will continue AYSO soccer, AWANA, and I hope will take dance lessons at some point this year.
Levi is in preK and will continue in his special needs preschool program. He is doing amazingly well there, and I am very pleased with the services he has received. I hope that getting him help this early will pretty much negate the issues he/we are dealing with. He'll start AYSO soccer this year, hopefully go to AWANA more regularly, and I plan on keeping him out of school so he can attend swim and gym on Thursdays. That sounds bad, but I believe it will be useful for him as a kind of OT. Swimming is relaxing for him.
Esther will be in preschool at the same school as Hannah. There is no way she is old enough for that, and yet...she is. She'll be 3 in 16 days. How time flies... It will be interesting to see how she does on her own. She has rarely even been in the church "nursery" without Levi! I know she will love playing with so many kids and learning new things. I will be glad to know she is with wonderful people while I am in school.
I will not be working this semester, which is WONDERFUL. Last semester was beyond rough, and there is no way I could work and go to school while Brian is working too. I counted on him to run the house and take charge of the kids last semester. It's nice to know I won't have to work. So very thankful for that!
So...my classes...I will be taking anthropology, cost accounting, pre-calculus, business statistics, and businesss organization/management. I have to be honest. Business statistics scares the snot out of me. I know two other people who are taking the same class at the same time. I hope they don't count on me to help them! Back in my pre-marriage and kids life, I took statistics and, well, let's just say it did not go well. I am excited about anthropology though...heard the professor is really good! Cost accounting will be very interesting, and I liked the chapter I had on it last semester. Pre-calc will hopefully be alright. I did reach the point last semester where math got to be actual work for me to learn. Business org/management is my only online course this semester...no idea how that will go.
Lots of changes, but we can handle them! Going back to using my planner for EVERY appointment and assignment, for sure! Here we go...
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
On the road again...
Not the kids and I this time. BRIAN!!!
The man got his hopes up. Kept them up despite repeatedly being told, "Nope, sorry...no recent experience." He called and emailed and applied and called and called.
And he got a job. He's been at it a week and a day now, and just got into his own truck the other day.
We'll miss him while he's gone, and he's missing us already. But for a man to have a job...after these past 3 years have tried to strip him of his manhood...well, it's worth it, and we'll be just fine.
I am so. stinking. proud. of. my man! Way to keep swinging, honey!
The man got his hopes up. Kept them up despite repeatedly being told, "Nope, sorry...no recent experience." He called and emailed and applied and called and called.
And he got a job. He's been at it a week and a day now, and just got into his own truck the other day.
We'll miss him while he's gone, and he's missing us already. But for a man to have a job...after these past 3 years have tried to strip him of his manhood...well, it's worth it, and we'll be just fine.
I am so. stinking. proud. of. my man! Way to keep swinging, honey!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"Don't get your hopes up"
Twice in a week, I have been told this..."don't get your hopes up". This is in regard to Brian looking for a trucking job. Both people have (thankfully) been just acquaintances, not good friends or anything.
But don't get your hopes up? Seriously? We've done pretty well with that on our own the past few years. Knowing everytime we went to a doctor, it was probably not going to be good news. Knowing that we had more surgeries to come. Not seeing a lot of improvement, and any we did see being painfully slow.
To the man who said this tonight, I wish I had put my head up, looked you in the eye, and said, "Don't get our hopes up?? Do you know my husband? The man will do what he sets out to do. And I will be cheering him on the whole way. Don't get my hopes up? Mumble, mumble, mumble...why don't you go suck on a lemon?"
And if I don't get my hopes up...what then? Do I just hope we get to live on foodstamps the rest of our lives? What about when SSDI stops coming in...in 10 days? Just suck it up, live with it. Live in defeat? We will not. I will not.
My hope comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. I will lift my eyes to HIM alone. Now get thee behind me, satan. You won't have this man, and you won't have this family.
But don't get your hopes up? Seriously? We've done pretty well with that on our own the past few years. Knowing everytime we went to a doctor, it was probably not going to be good news. Knowing that we had more surgeries to come. Not seeing a lot of improvement, and any we did see being painfully slow.
To the man who said this tonight, I wish I had put my head up, looked you in the eye, and said, "Don't get our hopes up?? Do you know my husband? The man will do what he sets out to do. And I will be cheering him on the whole way. Don't get my hopes up? Mumble, mumble, mumble...why don't you go suck on a lemon?"
And if I don't get my hopes up...what then? Do I just hope we get to live on foodstamps the rest of our lives? What about when SSDI stops coming in...in 10 days? Just suck it up, live with it. Live in defeat? We will not. I will not.
My hope comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. I will lift my eyes to HIM alone. Now get thee behind me, satan. You won't have this man, and you won't have this family.
Why?
For a year or so, every time Levi puts shoes on, he will ask, "Why do they call it a tongue?" It's gotten to be kind of a family joke that Levi loves that we play with him.
Today, this question was answered!
Levi tends to be very cranky in the morning, and he has to get dressed and on the bus at 6:30. This morning, I told him his sneaker was going to gobble his foot up, trying to get him to smile or maybe even laugh, but at least stop screaming.
His revelation..."MOM!!! That's why they call it a tongue!"
You're welcome, Levi, for finally finding an answer to your question. I can't wait to hear the next one you get stuck on.
Today, this question was answered!
Levi tends to be very cranky in the morning, and he has to get dressed and on the bus at 6:30. This morning, I told him his sneaker was going to gobble his foot up, trying to get him to smile or maybe even laugh, but at least stop screaming.
His revelation..."MOM!!! That's why they call it a tongue!"
You're welcome, Levi, for finally finding an answer to your question. I can't wait to hear the next one you get stuck on.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tractor-versary
It's the third tractorversary of my Brian's life-changing accident.
On the first tractorversary, I was wishing we had gone away for the day. It was "just another day" for everyone else, and definitely not for us. Sadly, a friend of a friend also died on this day, in a car accident. He had 5 children, too.
On the second tractorversary, we went to preop for Brian's 9th surgery. It was a quiet, somber day, wondering why this had to last so long, and why his stupid bones wouldn't heal.
On this day, the third tractorversary...bones are healed. Brian is trying with all of his might to reenter the workforce. His body is still not the same, and never will be, but we are finally able to look toward the future!
Truthfully, I woke up this morning not remembering this was "the day" until I saw someone else post on facebook about it. That day three years ago, I almost lost my husband. My children almost lost their father. But we didn't. And so...life goes on now. Finally. It has stood pretty still these past few years, and though change is scary, I'm glad time is moving forward for us once again.
On the first tractorversary, I was wishing we had gone away for the day. It was "just another day" for everyone else, and definitely not for us. Sadly, a friend of a friend also died on this day, in a car accident. He had 5 children, too.
On the second tractorversary, we went to preop for Brian's 9th surgery. It was a quiet, somber day, wondering why this had to last so long, and why his stupid bones wouldn't heal.
On this day, the third tractorversary...bones are healed. Brian is trying with all of his might to reenter the workforce. His body is still not the same, and never will be, but we are finally able to look toward the future!
Truthfully, I woke up this morning not remembering this was "the day" until I saw someone else post on facebook about it. That day three years ago, I almost lost my husband. My children almost lost their father. But we didn't. And so...life goes on now. Finally. It has stood pretty still these past few years, and though change is scary, I'm glad time is moving forward for us once again.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Adventure!!
Some of you know we went on a last minute adventure recently. We thought Brian had a job, and had to be in Nashville for training. (I'm not going to talk about that non-job here...just the adventure we went on.) So, with a day of notice, we packed up the kids and what we'd need for a week of unknowns, and hit the road. It was 40 hours of driving time, the last 18 of that being just the kids and I. We got to meet 4 of my online friends and their families, and now can call them real-life friends!
I could write pages of all of our experiences, some good, some bad. Instead, I'll just give some key observations...the highlights. The awards, first...
I could write pages of all of our experiences, some good, some bad. Instead, I'll just give some key observations...the highlights. The awards, first...
- Best traveler...goes to the most unlikely. Levi! He loved traveling in the car, seeing all kinds of things, meeting new friends, and even sleeping in different places each night didn't phase him.
- Worst traveler...goes to a certain little girl who WHINES way too much. Oh boy, my ears are still recovering.
- Most patient...does not go to me. I tried though, and that must count for something.
- Best at dealing with southern heat...Brian, of course. Born and raised in Texas and Mississippi. The rest of us would need some serious air conditioning to survive down there!
- Best navigator...Noah! Well, he tried anyway. He is only 11. :P
- Worst navigator...the Garmin GPS. Seriously...stupid thing shut off at the worst possible times. Going into Pittsburgh, and again trying to leave Pittsburgh. Piece of garbage.
- Best potty-goers...Levi and Esther! They peed all over the US. LOL Only two accidents the whole trip (one per kid), and none in the car! Esther and Hannah learned to squat in the grass on the side of the highway, but you do what you have to do, right?
- Most dramatic driving conditions...West Virginia. Woah, baby, those are some MOUNTAINS!!! The drive from Pittsburgh to Brisbin, PA also had some extreme ups and downs. So beautiful!
- Worst roads...from Richmond to Atlanta. So very glad Brian drove those mega-highways.
- Scariest bridges...Pittsburgh. And West Virginia. Heck, they were all scary.
- Best people to visit...ALL OF THEM! Even more amazing in person, Chelley, Jenn, Maggie, and Kathryn...all made us feel right at home right away. They alone were worth the trip. <3
- Best food...pizza. (more on that in the next post)
- 40 hours drive time
- 2270 miles driven
- 11 states (NY, PA, MD, VA, NC, SC, GA, AL, TN, KY, WV)
- at least 30 "potty stops"
- 2 fast food dollar menu meals eaten (also more on that in the next post)
- 7 grocery runs
- 1 night in a hotel
- 1 night in a KOA cabin
- 6 tired peeps
Monday, July 18, 2011
Supervision
I know I should have updated on this last week, but I am still so mad about it that I could spit nails. Whatever that means. Sounds painful.
So. What happened is...Nick's mother doesn't have to answer for keeping him from us all those days, for keeping Nick out of school to keep us away from him, or for filling his head with lies. But we have to have supervised visitation, all based on HER word that he was in danger with us. Pardon my French, but that is about the biggest pile of bullshit I have experienced in life.
We've had two visits with him now. Four hours each. Supervised. And her lying self gets him the rest of the time, and now tells people "well, his dad did get visits, but at least they're supervised", as if WE were the ones who did something wrong and not her.
Life lesson for all boys and men...keep your thingamajig put away. It'll cause a whole heap of trouble if you let it run around all willy nilly. 18 years of trouble, to be exact. Only 7.5 left for us...joy.
So. What happened is...Nick's mother doesn't have to answer for keeping him from us all those days, for keeping Nick out of school to keep us away from him, or for filling his head with lies. But we have to have supervised visitation, all based on HER word that he was in danger with us. Pardon my French, but that is about the biggest pile of bullshit I have experienced in life.
We've had two visits with him now. Four hours each. Supervised. And her lying self gets him the rest of the time, and now tells people "well, his dad did get visits, but at least they're supervised", as if WE were the ones who did something wrong and not her.
Life lesson for all boys and men...keep your thingamajig put away. It'll cause a whole heap of trouble if you let it run around all willy nilly. 18 years of trouble, to be exact. Only 7.5 left for us...joy.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The count
The official count is...
18 weekends.
30 Wednesday overnights.
4 holidays.
16 days of school vacation.
69 days of missed visits with Nick.
Over a time of 8 months 14 days.
We have family court today, scheduled for all day. It could go either way. We could lose him completely. Or we could be given custody. Or anything in between, I suppose.
I had a dream night before last that we were suiting up to enter the warzone. Only we were already severely wounded, bleeding everywhere, a real mess. Feels pretty accurate today.
18 weekends.
30 Wednesday overnights.
4 holidays.
16 days of school vacation.
69 days of missed visits with Nick.
Over a time of 8 months 14 days.
We have family court today, scheduled for all day. It could go either way. We could lose him completely. Or we could be given custody. Or anything in between, I suppose.
I had a dream night before last that we were suiting up to enter the warzone. Only we were already severely wounded, bleeding everywhere, a real mess. Feels pretty accurate today.
Friday, June 24, 2011
My thoughts on gay marriage
In case you weren't aware, a bill including gay marriage was voted in today, making NY the 6th state in the country to legalize gay marriage.
Some are celebrating. Some are mourning. I'm going to pick apart my thoughts here...and they may not agree with yours, whether you fall on the side for or against gay marriage.
I had a friend who was gay (had because he died a year and a half ago, from a drug reaction completely unrelated to his gay-ness). I was a crappy friend. We went to school together, and for a few years were very close friends. David was annoying, but he was real. He was adventurous, and he loved people. He just loved them, not expecting much of anything in return. And, did I mention, he was gay.
Now, David had some other issues, mental health type issues, and about a year before he died, I cut him out of my life. Unfriended him on FB. I was disgusted with his life, with his blatant sin. And then he died. And I realized that I had it all wrong. Well, not all. But a lot. Underneath all of the "stuff" of life, David was still David. He was still my friend, and I let him down. I will always regret that.
Some may not agree, but I think Jesus would have had dinner with gay/lesbian/whatever people. I know he would not have agreed with the lifestyle, but he would have loved the person. The broken, hurting person who somehow let Satan get ahold of his or her life in this way...that person, Jesus loves. Jesus died for them too. Who do we think we are that we avoid getting our hands messy in people's lives because they are gay?
We are not above them. We ARE them. Our sin may look different, may not be so in your face, but it is sin all the same. We are all as black and defiled as death, without Jesus! Whether it be the pastor who has a problem with porn, the woman who aborts her own flesh and blood (oh, another hot topic for a later day), the teen who gives in to hormones, the father who destroys his kids with his words, the child who steals a candy bar from the store. We are all sinners. No one has or can meet the standard of absolute holiness God requires. We all need Jesus. The gay man. The lesbian lovers. The people who are so sexually confused they aren't even sure who they are! I am not any better than any of these people.
So. Those are my thoughts on GLBT people. They are first PEOPLE. And then, gay.
My thoughts on gay marriage are quite a bit more "right wing conservative". Marriage is to be between man and woman. Period. I am not personally opposed to civil unions, resembling a contract. Do I think it falls outside of what God planned for us? Yes. But I do think it is wrong to deny gay couples health insurance. I know it is wrong to deny any loved one chosen by a patient to make medical decisions for the patient. Visiting rights, in hospitals or anywhere else it applies, should be given to a life partner. These are PEOPLE, forcryingoutloud. People who love. Misguided? Yes. Sinful? Yes. Again, as am I. But any way of treating gay people as less than human is not much better than slavery, IMO.
I do believe marriage should have been protected, and left to one man and one woman. But you know what? This law is not earth-shattering. Sin is going on all around us, all the time. Legalized sin. There is not a day that goes by that I don't see it.
I'll still be married tomorrow. And maybe Jim and Joe (totally ficticious names) will be too, in the lovely state of NY. Will that really affect my marriage? Is my marriage less of a marriage now, because Jim and Joe are permitted to marry? No, I don't believe so. It shouldn't affect Christian marriage any more than the hundreds of thousands of non-believers who marry without having Christ as the center. And, you know, I've seen Christian marriages who haven't done that bang up of job either.
How about we all mind our own business? Love people as Jesus loves them? Let God deal with the sin in our own lives? How about trusting that he can deal with all of the sin in the world? He will. In time. Not much we can do about anyone else's sin, right??
And David? I am eternally sorry. I wish I had one more day with you...
Some are celebrating. Some are mourning. I'm going to pick apart my thoughts here...and they may not agree with yours, whether you fall on the side for or against gay marriage.
I had a friend who was gay (had because he died a year and a half ago, from a drug reaction completely unrelated to his gay-ness). I was a crappy friend. We went to school together, and for a few years were very close friends. David was annoying, but he was real. He was adventurous, and he loved people. He just loved them, not expecting much of anything in return. And, did I mention, he was gay.
Now, David had some other issues, mental health type issues, and about a year before he died, I cut him out of my life. Unfriended him on FB. I was disgusted with his life, with his blatant sin. And then he died. And I realized that I had it all wrong. Well, not all. But a lot. Underneath all of the "stuff" of life, David was still David. He was still my friend, and I let him down. I will always regret that.
Some may not agree, but I think Jesus would have had dinner with gay/lesbian/whatever people. I know he would not have agreed with the lifestyle, but he would have loved the person. The broken, hurting person who somehow let Satan get ahold of his or her life in this way...that person, Jesus loves. Jesus died for them too. Who do we think we are that we avoid getting our hands messy in people's lives because they are gay?
We are not above them. We ARE them. Our sin may look different, may not be so in your face, but it is sin all the same. We are all as black and defiled as death, without Jesus! Whether it be the pastor who has a problem with porn, the woman who aborts her own flesh and blood (oh, another hot topic for a later day), the teen who gives in to hormones, the father who destroys his kids with his words, the child who steals a candy bar from the store. We are all sinners. No one has or can meet the standard of absolute holiness God requires. We all need Jesus. The gay man. The lesbian lovers. The people who are so sexually confused they aren't even sure who they are! I am not any better than any of these people.
So. Those are my thoughts on GLBT people. They are first PEOPLE. And then, gay.
My thoughts on gay marriage are quite a bit more "right wing conservative". Marriage is to be between man and woman. Period. I am not personally opposed to civil unions, resembling a contract. Do I think it falls outside of what God planned for us? Yes. But I do think it is wrong to deny gay couples health insurance. I know it is wrong to deny any loved one chosen by a patient to make medical decisions for the patient. Visiting rights, in hospitals or anywhere else it applies, should be given to a life partner. These are PEOPLE, forcryingoutloud. People who love. Misguided? Yes. Sinful? Yes. Again, as am I. But any way of treating gay people as less than human is not much better than slavery, IMO.
I do believe marriage should have been protected, and left to one man and one woman. But you know what? This law is not earth-shattering. Sin is going on all around us, all the time. Legalized sin. There is not a day that goes by that I don't see it.
I'll still be married tomorrow. And maybe Jim and Joe (totally ficticious names) will be too, in the lovely state of NY. Will that really affect my marriage? Is my marriage less of a marriage now, because Jim and Joe are permitted to marry? No, I don't believe so. It shouldn't affect Christian marriage any more than the hundreds of thousands of non-believers who marry without having Christ as the center. And, you know, I've seen Christian marriages who haven't done that bang up of job either.
How about we all mind our own business? Love people as Jesus loves them? Let God deal with the sin in our own lives? How about trusting that he can deal with all of the sin in the world? He will. In time. Not much we can do about anyone else's sin, right??
And David? I am eternally sorry. I wish I had one more day with you...
Thursday, June 23, 2011
A terrible dream
I've been hoping that I will wake up soon and find this all has been a terrible dream.
Brian will be getting up to work at 6 am every day, and come home after a full day of work, smelling like stinky, sweaty, concrete covered man.
We'll collect a paycheck once a week that will pay the bills, and a hefty tax return once a year that will pay for all those "extras" like a couple simple camping trips, homeschool curriculum, new tires/vehicle maintenance, and whatever new gadgets we've been looking at.
Brian will complain of minor back pain from working hard 40-55 hours a week. He won't know what it is like to have major pain all day every day. He won't know what it is like to wish he could work, but not be able.
I will complain of all my time alone with the kids, wishing Brian could help more. I won't know what it is like to take care of the kids AND my husband after his many surgeries. I won't know what it is like to have to leave the house to go to school or work, knowing this was not the plan for this time in our lives.
The kids won't know what it is like to watch a Daddy in pain. We'll go on hikes in the woods. Long hikes, on and off trails. I'll get to hike up that waterfall I missed out on because Hannah and Levi were too little.
We won't have to deal with Nick's mother being all greedy, thinking all of our pain and upheavel should get her something. We will still have Nick as we always did, and complain of it not being enough time with him, never knowing what it is like to be without him for 8 months.
We won't have to take food stamps. Or the "looks" from those who can't possibly know or understand our story. We won't have to ask people for help with things we can do on our own. We won't even know how good we have it.
We will be able to help other people again. Someone's moving? Brian will be the first one there and the last one to leave. Someone needs help with their house or car? Brian will be there, even after working all day long. In fact, he will help people so much that I will get annoyed and be the nagging wife I was.
But it's not going to happen. This isn't all a terrible dream. This is life. My life. Our life.
***********************
Soon after the accident, Brian told me he didn't want us to come through this without God changing us, because if we just went back to life as we knew it, what would be the point of the pain? There has to be a point. Surely, there does. God wouldn't just allow all of this for nothing, right?
And yet, here I sit, wishing we could go back. Things were simpler then. At least in hindsight. But were they really? Probably not. We still had problems. They were just not THESE problems.
If we really ask to go back to those days, I'd say we're an awful lot like the Israelites demanding to go back to Egypt after God freed them. This is our time in the wilderness, I have no doubt. But will it go on 40 years? I sure hope not. Oh how I long to see our Promised Land...
Brian will be getting up to work at 6 am every day, and come home after a full day of work, smelling like stinky, sweaty, concrete covered man.
We'll collect a paycheck once a week that will pay the bills, and a hefty tax return once a year that will pay for all those "extras" like a couple simple camping trips, homeschool curriculum, new tires/vehicle maintenance, and whatever new gadgets we've been looking at.
Brian will complain of minor back pain from working hard 40-55 hours a week. He won't know what it is like to have major pain all day every day. He won't know what it is like to wish he could work, but not be able.
I will complain of all my time alone with the kids, wishing Brian could help more. I won't know what it is like to take care of the kids AND my husband after his many surgeries. I won't know what it is like to have to leave the house to go to school or work, knowing this was not the plan for this time in our lives.
The kids won't know what it is like to watch a Daddy in pain. We'll go on hikes in the woods. Long hikes, on and off trails. I'll get to hike up that waterfall I missed out on because Hannah and Levi were too little.
We won't have to deal with Nick's mother being all greedy, thinking all of our pain and upheavel should get her something. We will still have Nick as we always did, and complain of it not being enough time with him, never knowing what it is like to be without him for 8 months.
We won't have to take food stamps. Or the "looks" from those who can't possibly know or understand our story. We won't have to ask people for help with things we can do on our own. We won't even know how good we have it.
We will be able to help other people again. Someone's moving? Brian will be the first one there and the last one to leave. Someone needs help with their house or car? Brian will be there, even after working all day long. In fact, he will help people so much that I will get annoyed and be the nagging wife I was.
But it's not going to happen. This isn't all a terrible dream. This is life. My life. Our life.
***********************
Soon after the accident, Brian told me he didn't want us to come through this without God changing us, because if we just went back to life as we knew it, what would be the point of the pain? There has to be a point. Surely, there does. God wouldn't just allow all of this for nothing, right?
And yet, here I sit, wishing we could go back. Things were simpler then. At least in hindsight. But were they really? Probably not. We still had problems. They were just not THESE problems.
If we really ask to go back to those days, I'd say we're an awful lot like the Israelites demanding to go back to Egypt after God freed them. This is our time in the wilderness, I have no doubt. But will it go on 40 years? I sure hope not. Oh how I long to see our Promised Land...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Oh, Nicolas...
It's been over 7 months. Will be 8 months on the 23rd.
Eight months since you've been in our house.
Eight months since you've slept in your bed.
Worn your clothes. I bet your shoes won't even fit anymore.
Hugged your baby Essie, making her laugh as only you can (oh, how she's grown, big brother).
Fought with Hannah over something ridiculous, and then declared her "your favorite".
Climbed a tree with Noah. Had a sleepover in his room.
Helped Levi with a computer game. Been adored by him.
Oh, Nick. You've missed so much. My heart can try to absorb the pain quietly, but when I see your siblings in pain, it floods and overflows. I'm sorry, Nick.
There's a stack of Christmas and birthday presents in the closet. Don't be mad, but I opened one. It was the next book in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series and it was supposed to be yours and Noah's. It's still yours, kiddo. I'm sorry, Nick.
We never even bought your birthday present from us. You were supposed to get a new bike this year. A big 10 year old kid bike. But you weren't here to pick it out or ride it. So it stayed in the store. I'm sorry, Nick.
You're graduating from 4th grade, finishing life at your elementary school. I'm sorry we can't all be there. I hope you will know we love you and miss you soooooo much. I hope you can feel us loving you from far away. I'm so sorry, Nick.
We weren't in your life for the first 17 months, but for 12 months, we didn't even know about you. And then we spent the next 5 fighting to see you, son. This is 100x worse pain than that. We know you. We love you. You belong to our family. Yes, you belong to Mommy's family too, but that shouldn't remove you from ours. Lots of kids have two families. And so many of them seem to do it better than this. I'm so so so so sorry, Nick.
I'm sorry for your broken home, that you didn't choose. I'm sorry for all the tears you've cried and will cry. I'm sorry for all the days you missed here, and even the days you missed there. No kid should have to go through this. I'm sorry, Nick.
I'll never stop loving you, bud. Never. I might push the hurt down, so that I can get out of bed and be a mom for the other kids. But there is a Nick-size hole in my heart, and only you can fill it. I miss you and I love you. God knows...
Eight months since you've been in our house.
Eight months since you've slept in your bed.
Worn your clothes. I bet your shoes won't even fit anymore.
Hugged your baby Essie, making her laugh as only you can (oh, how she's grown, big brother).
Fought with Hannah over something ridiculous, and then declared her "your favorite".
Climbed a tree with Noah. Had a sleepover in his room.
Helped Levi with a computer game. Been adored by him.
Oh, Nick. You've missed so much. My heart can try to absorb the pain quietly, but when I see your siblings in pain, it floods and overflows. I'm sorry, Nick.
There's a stack of Christmas and birthday presents in the closet. Don't be mad, but I opened one. It was the next book in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series and it was supposed to be yours and Noah's. It's still yours, kiddo. I'm sorry, Nick.
We never even bought your birthday present from us. You were supposed to get a new bike this year. A big 10 year old kid bike. But you weren't here to pick it out or ride it. So it stayed in the store. I'm sorry, Nick.
You're graduating from 4th grade, finishing life at your elementary school. I'm sorry we can't all be there. I hope you will know we love you and miss you soooooo much. I hope you can feel us loving you from far away. I'm so sorry, Nick.
We weren't in your life for the first 17 months, but for 12 months, we didn't even know about you. And then we spent the next 5 fighting to see you, son. This is 100x worse pain than that. We know you. We love you. You belong to our family. Yes, you belong to Mommy's family too, but that shouldn't remove you from ours. Lots of kids have two families. And so many of them seem to do it better than this. I'm so so so so sorry, Nick.
I'm sorry for your broken home, that you didn't choose. I'm sorry for all the tears you've cried and will cry. I'm sorry for all the days you missed here, and even the days you missed there. No kid should have to go through this. I'm sorry, Nick.
I'll never stop loving you, bud. Never. I might push the hurt down, so that I can get out of bed and be a mom for the other kids. But there is a Nick-size hole in my heart, and only you can fill it. I miss you and I love you. God knows...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Church-hopping
No, that's not what we're doing. But we are taking some time to visit some other churches in the area.
Why are we doing this? Well, someone from my past, who has no place in my present or future, has planted himself in my church. He won't leave (yet), so we have. Hopefully temporarily. We'll see what God does...it may be permanent, and that will be okay too. Not fun, but okay.
Good things we hope to find...
Hard things...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This past Sunday, we went to a church our pastor and others had recommended to us. It's a new-er church, only a couple/few years old. Pretty small, although they just moved into a new building (which used to be the skating rink I hung out at when I was a teen!). We knew a handful of people, which was nice, with one good friend who instantly reduced me to a blubbering mess with her tender welcome. The service was good. Different from what we're used to, but good. God was definitely there. And this is definitely stretching all of us...
Noah cried the night before. I didn't expect him to have too much of a hard time, but I was wrong. Then he howled most of the way to church. Hannah was also very unhappy, but not as bad as I thought she would be. She was most upset that this church didn't have children's church for anyone over 5. I let her bring a coloring book, and Noah brought a notebook, but they are definitely big enough to sit through a service now, and although this was their only but very LOUD complaint, it's not one we will use if we do have to choose a new home church.
Next week...I think we're going to my parents' church, since it is Father's Day. I know we would be welcome there all the time, and we know pretty much the whole church, but I feel like we need our space as a family. So we'll enjoy visiting a more familiar church next week. And then see where God leads us from there.
One oh.so.hysterical moment as visitors...Levi likes to sneak up to the front of the van and honk the horn before we can stop him. Only this time, it didn't do a quick beep and then we all scream, "LEVI!" Oh no, this time, the horn stuck ON! It was probably only 30 seconds, but it felt like half of forever. Great, Levi. Way to draw attention to the new people! LOL...life is never dull.
Why are we doing this? Well, someone from my past, who has no place in my present or future, has planted himself in my church. He won't leave (yet), so we have. Hopefully temporarily. We'll see what God does...it may be permanent, and that will be okay too. Not fun, but okay.
Good things we hope to find...
- GOD! I think it will be good to be able to see God in other churches and places other than the one we've been in for the past, uh, ever.
- I also hope this will help our kids to see God is alive and working in other places, and this doesn't have to look exactly the same everywhere.
- A stronger family identity. Kids who identify more with our family unit than with any other group of people (no matter how awesome and loving...family FIRST!).
- Growth in Brian and I. This is a very stretching experience for us all.
- Healing. God's hand on my heart, healing the things that hurt so badly.
Hard things...
- Leaving friends, not knowing if it is temporary or permanent. I mean, they're still our friends, but it's different when you don't see them every week. And it hurts. Bad. I intend to keep up with everyone, and things like Facebook help some, but everyone is so busy...it's going to be work to keep friendships strong and current.
- Brokenness. I feel so very broken right now, from "having" to leave our church, and from other hard things in life. The pride in me would rather not walk into a church of mostly strangers and cry through all of worship and half the sermon. But it's all I can do. I have nothing to give right now, and that's okay. I just wish it didn't have to be such a public brokenness.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This past Sunday, we went to a church our pastor and others had recommended to us. It's a new-er church, only a couple/few years old. Pretty small, although they just moved into a new building (which used to be the skating rink I hung out at when I was a teen!). We knew a handful of people, which was nice, with one good friend who instantly reduced me to a blubbering mess with her tender welcome. The service was good. Different from what we're used to, but good. God was definitely there. And this is definitely stretching all of us...
Noah cried the night before. I didn't expect him to have too much of a hard time, but I was wrong. Then he howled most of the way to church. Hannah was also very unhappy, but not as bad as I thought she would be. She was most upset that this church didn't have children's church for anyone over 5. I let her bring a coloring book, and Noah brought a notebook, but they are definitely big enough to sit through a service now, and although this was their only but very LOUD complaint, it's not one we will use if we do have to choose a new home church.
Next week...I think we're going to my parents' church, since it is Father's Day. I know we would be welcome there all the time, and we know pretty much the whole church, but I feel like we need our space as a family. So we'll enjoy visiting a more familiar church next week. And then see where God leads us from there.
One oh.so.hysterical moment as visitors...Levi likes to sneak up to the front of the van and honk the horn before we can stop him. Only this time, it didn't do a quick beep and then we all scream, "LEVI!" Oh no, this time, the horn stuck ON! It was probably only 30 seconds, but it felt like half of forever. Great, Levi. Way to draw attention to the new people! LOL...life is never dull.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Dear stupid...
Dear stupid car accident,
I wish you would have never happened.
Thanks a lot for taking my man and crushing first his body and then his spirit.
Thanks a lot for leaving my kids with a Dad who can't climb mountains with them, or run and play soccer, or even walk through the grocery store most days.
Thanks for leaving me with a husband who never feels good enough, no matter what I do or say.
Thanks for ensuring that our future is full of doctors and surgeries.
Thank you for removing pretty much everything that was simple in life.
I could be whining about totally different things right now, never knowing how good I had it...
So really, thank you. I've learned not to take for granted the life that we had. Can we have it back now? No? Thanks a lot.
PS to readers...yes, I know we have tons of things to be thankful for. That doesn't mean that a whole lot of things don't just plain suck. Sometimes I get tired of making lemonade.
I wish you would have never happened.
Thanks a lot for taking my man and crushing first his body and then his spirit.
Thanks a lot for leaving my kids with a Dad who can't climb mountains with them, or run and play soccer, or even walk through the grocery store most days.
Thanks for leaving me with a husband who never feels good enough, no matter what I do or say.
Thanks for ensuring that our future is full of doctors and surgeries.
Thank you for removing pretty much everything that was simple in life.
I could be whining about totally different things right now, never knowing how good I had it...
So really, thank you. I've learned not to take for granted the life that we had. Can we have it back now? No? Thanks a lot.
PS to readers...yes, I know we have tons of things to be thankful for. That doesn't mean that a whole lot of things don't just plain suck. Sometimes I get tired of making lemonade.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
May to June
May was...awful.
- the month long puke and liquid poo fest
- the un-vacation that will live on forever in time
- the past coming full force into the present, and finally being dealt with
Monday, May 23, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgiveness...
Matthew 11:25...And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Thank you, Lord, that I am forgiven, for paying the penalty for my sin. And thank you for the power to forgive through your Spirit.
- does not mean the hurt is gone
- does not mean being around him is a good thing
- does not equal trust
- does not give the perpetrator any place in my life
- gives a freedom, a peace that comforts the hurt
- releases me to follow God
- gives strength to form healthy boundaries
- is most of all for MY benefit
Matthew 11:25...And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Thank you, Lord, that I am forgiven, for paying the penalty for my sin. And thank you for the power to forgive through your Spirit.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Some of my favorite things...
Watching my kids' eyes light up when they realize I remembered the dollar store glow sticks that are Kamping tradition.
Splashing in the rain with my babies. And then coming inside, getting all cozy in jammies, and watching Bugs Bunny all together in my bed.
Belting out Veggie Tales, sound effects, funny voices and all.
S'mores for breakfast.
Knowing how blessed these little people make me...
I hope they always remember the little things.
And I hope Nick remembers the little, random things. This was our first family vacation without the whole family.
We have to continue on...with all of our favorite things.
Splashing in the rain with my babies. And then coming inside, getting all cozy in jammies, and watching Bugs Bunny all together in my bed.
Belting out Veggie Tales, sound effects, funny voices and all.
S'mores for breakfast.
Knowing how blessed these little people make me...
I hope they always remember the little things.
And I hope Nick remembers the little, random things. This was our first family vacation without the whole family.
We have to continue on...with all of our favorite things.
Friday, April 22, 2011
More than...
An exchange between Levi (L) and I (M for Mom) this afternoon:
M: Levi, I love you more than cake.
L: I love you more than frosting.
M: I love you more than yogurt.
L: I love you more than french fries.
That's a lot of love. <3 The boy does love frosting and french fries! LOL
But not even close to the love the Father showed to me as He endured His only Son dying on the cross for my sins...
Can you even imagine having that much love for anyone? I can't.
M: Levi, I love you more than cake.
L: I love you more than frosting.
M: I love you more than yogurt.
L: I love you more than french fries.
That's a lot of love. <3 The boy does love frosting and french fries! LOL
But not even close to the love the Father showed to me as He endured His only Son dying on the cross for my sins...
Can you even imagine having that much love for anyone? I can't.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
My other sister
We became friends through grief and loss. We became sisters through marriage.
We have fought at times, but you've always had my back. We don't do everything the same, but it all works out in the end. I think our disagreements were just sisters having to make up for not growing up together.
I never have to explain the ornery man I love to you...you grew up with him and know him well. You know his heart is good, even when he does stupid crap. I can gripe and whine to you and know that it won't change your love for him.
I had babies while you begged God for your own, and then YOU had babies while I did the same. We were never pregnant together, which was probably a good thing. Someone had to have stable hormones!
We lost babies. We cried for and with each other. We always knew the other understood.
Thirteen years. Well, twelve and a half, but I'm rounding up. All of my adult life, you've been in it. We grew up together, grew into real adults together.
And now you're leaving tomorrow. While it's not another planet, it seems like it might as well be. No more "Hey, Val, can you watch the kids?" No more last minute dinners together. No more cousin overnights. Just like that, over a couple weeks...
Seeing you hug my kids tonight, I know you didn't want to let them go. They only have one Valoo, and they love you almost as much as you love them.
I'm not mad at you for leaving. I know you have to go. I just wish we could all go. Transplant everyone and everything we love, drag it all down south with us. But we can't. And so, everything changes.
Everything but our hearts. Part of mine will go with you, and part of yours will stay here. Sisters are like that, you know. One minute, they're fighting, the next they're wishing they had more time to just play.
I love you, Val. Here's to the next chapter of life...so far it sucks. It must get better? Either way, I've got your back and I know you've got mine.
We have fought at times, but you've always had my back. We don't do everything the same, but it all works out in the end. I think our disagreements were just sisters having to make up for not growing up together.
I never have to explain the ornery man I love to you...you grew up with him and know him well. You know his heart is good, even when he does stupid crap. I can gripe and whine to you and know that it won't change your love for him.
I had babies while you begged God for your own, and then YOU had babies while I did the same. We were never pregnant together, which was probably a good thing. Someone had to have stable hormones!
We lost babies. We cried for and with each other. We always knew the other understood.
Thirteen years. Well, twelve and a half, but I'm rounding up. All of my adult life, you've been in it. We grew up together, grew into real adults together.
And now you're leaving tomorrow. While it's not another planet, it seems like it might as well be. No more "Hey, Val, can you watch the kids?" No more last minute dinners together. No more cousin overnights. Just like that, over a couple weeks...
Seeing you hug my kids tonight, I know you didn't want to let them go. They only have one Valoo, and they love you almost as much as you love them.
I'm not mad at you for leaving. I know you have to go. I just wish we could all go. Transplant everyone and everything we love, drag it all down south with us. But we can't. And so, everything changes.
Everything but our hearts. Part of mine will go with you, and part of yours will stay here. Sisters are like that, you know. One minute, they're fighting, the next they're wishing they had more time to just play.
I love you, Val. Here's to the next chapter of life...so far it sucks. It must get better? Either way, I've got your back and I know you've got mine.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Four more weeks
Dear fellow college students,
There are four more weeks of classes. For some (ME!), that is exciting! It means I only have to keep up this break-neck pace of school-work-home for 28 more days! It means my hard work is about to earn me some As to add to my transcript (poor use of grammar, I know...).
But for some, this is do or die time. You've slept in too often, skipped classes because it just didn't seem to matter, not even bothered to do your homework or reading. And now, with 4 weeks left, it finally occurs to you that you are probably about to fail. Before you start to blame the professor for grading so harshly, please stop and think about your own actions and the consequences of them. I know, it's a hard thing to do. But it will greatly benefit you in the future, even if this semester has gone to crap and it's too late to bring it back.
It's not too late to use this as a learning tool, the school of hard knocks, when you are taking the same classes again next semester. Take this opportunity to better yourself, to learn that most of the good things in life are directly proportional to the WORK you put into them.
Please, for the love of pizza and wings, do not let me hear you whining about how it's everyone else's fault. I'm just ornery enough in these last 4 weeks that I might call you out on that.
Most sincerely,
The grown woman who sits in class and listens to the whiners.
Who has sacrificed and worked *hard* for good grades (they aren't free!).
There are four more weeks of classes. For some (ME!), that is exciting! It means I only have to keep up this break-neck pace of school-work-home for 28 more days! It means my hard work is about to earn me some As to add to my transcript (poor use of grammar, I know...).
But for some, this is do or die time. You've slept in too often, skipped classes because it just didn't seem to matter, not even bothered to do your homework or reading. And now, with 4 weeks left, it finally occurs to you that you are probably about to fail. Before you start to blame the professor for grading so harshly, please stop and think about your own actions and the consequences of them. I know, it's a hard thing to do. But it will greatly benefit you in the future, even if this semester has gone to crap and it's too late to bring it back.
It's not too late to use this as a learning tool, the school of hard knocks, when you are taking the same classes again next semester. Take this opportunity to better yourself, to learn that most of the good things in life are directly proportional to the WORK you put into them.
Please, for the love of pizza and wings, do not let me hear you whining about how it's everyone else's fault. I'm just ornery enough in these last 4 weeks that I might call you out on that.
Most sincerely,
The grown woman who sits in class and listens to the whiners.
Who has sacrificed and worked *hard* for good grades (they aren't free!).
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tears
Nick. Over 5 months since he's been home with us.
Brian's dad. Very sick. Way down in Mississippi. Brian needs to go. Holy crap. One of our parents might die.
A person who used to be a friend. Spreading vicious lies.
Levi. Evaluations. Wondering...waiting.
Family court. Support court. Accident stuff.
The floodgates have opened, and I don't know if I will be able to close them again. I hate crying.
Brian's dad. Very sick. Way down in Mississippi. Brian needs to go. Holy crap. One of our parents might die.
A person who used to be a friend. Spreading vicious lies.
Levi. Evaluations. Wondering...waiting.
Family court. Support court. Accident stuff.
The floodgates have opened, and I don't know if I will be able to close them again. I hate crying.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Not a day
"Momma, when can he come home?"
"Oooh, Nick would love this book!"
"How come his mom gets to decide he can't see us?"
"Does this mean he's not our brother now?"
"Why doesn't he tell his mom he wants to come here?"
"Does he miss us?"
"Does he care that we miss him?"
"I'm gonna pray and God will send him home."
Oh, my Nicolas...not a day goes by that we are not missing you, grieving your loss, and yet trying to live still. You're not even gone, just gone for us. And yet only over a couple hills, around a few bends, just a handful of miles away.
Not a single day. We have not forgotten you. We will not forget you. We love you, kiddo.
"Oooh, Nick would love this book!"
"How come his mom gets to decide he can't see us?"
"Does this mean he's not our brother now?"
"Why doesn't he tell his mom he wants to come here?"
"Does he miss us?"
"Does he care that we miss him?"
"I'm gonna pray and God will send him home."
Oh, my Nicolas...not a day goes by that we are not missing you, grieving your loss, and yet trying to live still. You're not even gone, just gone for us. And yet only over a couple hills, around a few bends, just a handful of miles away.
Not a single day. We have not forgotten you. We will not forget you. We love you, kiddo.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
A letter for my children (and dogs)
Dear children,
Spring has sprung. You have been itching to play outside for months now. You will now be outside during all awake, non-school hours. I will ring the (imaginary) dinner bell and serve your dinner on the porch. You may come in at bed time, after being hosed off.
Since the dogs share your affinity for mess and mud, they will be joining you outside. They will also be hosed off before coming in for bed.
Now that my house will remain clean, since you will not be in it, I will have much more energy for other things, such as napping in the sun.
I am also sure that all of this fresh air will result in delightful, always obedient children who are absolutely enchanted with eating whatever wonderful, vegetable filled entree the mother you adore has made for you.
Oh, I love spring! It has been such a long winter...
Spring has sprung. You have been itching to play outside for months now. You will now be outside during all awake, non-school hours. I will ring the (imaginary) dinner bell and serve your dinner on the porch. You may come in at bed time, after being hosed off.
Since the dogs share your affinity for mess and mud, they will be joining you outside. They will also be hosed off before coming in for bed.
Now that my house will remain clean, since you will not be in it, I will have much more energy for other things, such as napping in the sun.
I am also sure that all of this fresh air will result in delightful, always obedient children who are absolutely enchanted with eating whatever wonderful, vegetable filled entree the mother you adore has made for you.
Oh, I love spring! It has been such a long winter...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Thankful or...
We always have a choice to make. No matter what life brings, we can choose thankfulness. I can choose thankfulness. You can choose thankfulness.
Or we can not. I can wallow in self pity. I can make sure everyone I talk with knows how terrible life is treating me.
I. I. I. Me. Me. Me.
It's not all about me. In fact, I'm becoming convinced that very little of it is about me at all.
And I have a pretty darn good life, in spite of, and sometimes even because of the hurdles. But it's all in how you look at things...
I don't have a perfect house, but it serves its purpose and protects my family from the elements.
I don't have perfect children, but God has blessed me with just the kids He wanted me to have.
I don't have a perfect husband, but he loves Jesus, he loves his kids, and he loves me.
I don't have a perfect body, but it does (most of) what I ask it to do.
I have a husband who is broken and in pain, but he is here and determined to live life.
I have a child with special needs, but no one can make me laugh the way he does.
I don't have enough time in the day for what I need to do, but God is my strength.
I choose thankfulness. I choose to live life to the fullest.
(And least anyone think...wow, she's amazing, I assure you I am anything but. I have been as guilty as anyone of taking my blessings for granted lately. No. More.)
Or we can not. I can wallow in self pity. I can make sure everyone I talk with knows how terrible life is treating me.
I. I. I. Me. Me. Me.
It's not all about me. In fact, I'm becoming convinced that very little of it is about me at all.
And I have a pretty darn good life, in spite of, and sometimes even because of the hurdles. But it's all in how you look at things...
I don't have a perfect house, but it serves its purpose and protects my family from the elements.
I don't have perfect children, but God has blessed me with just the kids He wanted me to have.
I don't have a perfect husband, but he loves Jesus, he loves his kids, and he loves me.
I don't have a perfect body, but it does (most of) what I ask it to do.
I have a husband who is broken and in pain, but he is here and determined to live life.
I have a child with special needs, but no one can make me laugh the way he does.
I don't have enough time in the day for what I need to do, but God is my strength.
I choose thankfulness. I choose to live life to the fullest.
(And least anyone think...wow, she's amazing, I assure you I am anything but. I have been as guilty as anyone of taking my blessings for granted lately. No. More.)
Monday, March 14, 2011
People from the past...
impacting the future.
Whenever I listen to Carolyn Arends, I am brought back in time. To the summers of '94 through '96, to be exact. I was 14 in 1994, and I can oh so vividly remember sitting in my friend Deb's living room late at night. We'd sing for probably hours, Deb playing her guitar along with our friend Laura (whose last name I cannot remember for the life of me!).
Deb wasn't just any friend. She was an adult. A real live adult, with kids of her own. The reason I was there was to babysit for her girls, who were not all that much younger than me, at least in hindsight. I would stay at their house for a week or more at a time. Those years between 14 and 16 were rough ones for me, and I'm not sure if Deb ever really knew how rough. Oh, they're probably hard years for most kids, those years in between childhood and adulthood. So maybe she did know.
What Deb did for me in those years was amazing. She loved me. She trusted me...with her babies, with her home, with her dogs, with her heart. Deb never treated me like a kid, but always as a friend. She listened, she respected me for who I was, and had a profound impact on who I am now.
Deb was a single mom. She had a lot on her plate. Too much, actually. I know they were hard years for her. Yet, not only did she keep going forward, one foot in front of the other, she took the time to love a kid during the transition to young adult. When I hear "Seize the Day", I can only think of Deb and how she lived that song we would sing together.
And now...we are both students at the same college. Her babies are grown and on their own, and I have 5 babies of my own, and probably too much on my plate. We're both seizing the day...
Whenever I listen to Carolyn Arends, I am brought back in time. To the summers of '94 through '96, to be exact. I was 14 in 1994, and I can oh so vividly remember sitting in my friend Deb's living room late at night. We'd sing for probably hours, Deb playing her guitar along with our friend Laura (whose last name I cannot remember for the life of me!).
Deb wasn't just any friend. She was an adult. A real live adult, with kids of her own. The reason I was there was to babysit for her girls, who were not all that much younger than me, at least in hindsight. I would stay at their house for a week or more at a time. Those years between 14 and 16 were rough ones for me, and I'm not sure if Deb ever really knew how rough. Oh, they're probably hard years for most kids, those years in between childhood and adulthood. So maybe she did know.
What Deb did for me in those years was amazing. She loved me. She trusted me...with her babies, with her home, with her dogs, with her heart. Deb never treated me like a kid, but always as a friend. She listened, she respected me for who I was, and had a profound impact on who I am now.
Deb was a single mom. She had a lot on her plate. Too much, actually. I know they were hard years for her. Yet, not only did she keep going forward, one foot in front of the other, she took the time to love a kid during the transition to young adult. When I hear "Seize the Day", I can only think of Deb and how she lived that song we would sing together.
And now...we are both students at the same college. Her babies are grown and on their own, and I have 5 babies of my own, and probably too much on my plate. We're both seizing the day...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
We have another reader in the house!!!
My girl can read!!!! Really read! She can sound out and figure out words she hasn't seen before! She is now whizzing through her phonics book.
Go, Hannah Girl!!!!
I cannot begin to express the delight in my heart. I have a feeling this one is going to be a little bookworm, like I was as a child.
And I taught her. Me. An untrained teacher. That just flat out amazes me. IMO, the hardest thing to teach a child is how to read. Everything else builds on that, so there is a lot of pressure to do it well and do it right.
We did it, Hannah Girl! Go, us!!!
Go, Hannah Girl!!!!
I cannot begin to express the delight in my heart. I have a feeling this one is going to be a little bookworm, like I was as a child.
And I taught her. Me. An untrained teacher. That just flat out amazes me. IMO, the hardest thing to teach a child is how to read. Everything else builds on that, so there is a lot of pressure to do it well and do it right.
We did it, Hannah Girl! Go, us!!!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Just another day
Hard plastic toys hurtling through the air, connecting with a sibling or a wall.
Spreading little papers all over the living room and refusing to pick them up.
When made to pick up, shredding the papers and shoving them into his mouth.
Screaming. Crying. No, wailing.
Hiding and pooping in his pants.
Pinching, hitting, pushing, throwing.
Refusing to eat anything but carbs. Throwing his food on the floor.
Attacking baby sister as if he hates her, when I know he doesn't!
Just another day for Levi. We have had three in a row like that, actually. I am exhausted and don't know how to help him. There must be a way...
Spreading little papers all over the living room and refusing to pick them up.
When made to pick up, shredding the papers and shoving them into his mouth.
Screaming. Crying. No, wailing.
Hiding and pooping in his pants.
Pinching, hitting, pushing, throwing.
Refusing to eat anything but carbs. Throwing his food on the floor.
Attacking baby sister as if he hates her, when I know he doesn't!
Just another day for Levi. We have had three in a row like that, actually. I am exhausted and don't know how to help him. There must be a way...
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Forgiveness and bologna sandwiches
I think I have been overthinking the concept of forgiveness, thinking it had to be some spiritual event and certainly had to result in an epiphany of kindhearted feelings on my part. Lately, I'm thinking it's much simpler.
Forgiveness is...doing something nice for my husband when he's just shown me his oh-so-human side.
Forgiveness is...allowing every day to be a new day for my children.
Forgiveness is...giving friends the same grace I hope they will give me when I need it.
Forgiveness is...making bologna sandwiches for Tractor Man.*
Forgiveness is...meaning it when I tell him to have a great day.
Forgiveness is...knowing God has my future under control, and I don't need to hold onto the anger.
Forgiveness is...knowing that God can handle the justice part, and I don't need to.
Forgiveness is...remembering that I am one of those Jesus was referring to when he said, "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."
I don't have it all figured out, but I think being open to learning is all that is required here...
*Tractor Man...used interchangeably for the man who drove the tractor that hit Brian, and also for the farmer that owns the tractor.
Forgiveness is...doing something nice for my husband when he's just shown me his oh-so-human side.
Forgiveness is...allowing every day to be a new day for my children.
Forgiveness is...giving friends the same grace I hope they will give me when I need it.
Forgiveness is...making bologna sandwiches for Tractor Man.*
Forgiveness is...meaning it when I tell him to have a great day.
Forgiveness is...knowing God has my future under control, and I don't need to hold onto the anger.
Forgiveness is...knowing that God can handle the justice part, and I don't need to.
Forgiveness is...remembering that I am one of those Jesus was referring to when he said, "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."
I don't have it all figured out, but I think being open to learning is all that is required here...
*Tractor Man...used interchangeably for the man who drove the tractor that hit Brian, and also for the farmer that owns the tractor.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Missing my boy
I haven't cried too much lately, but it seems to be coming due.
Part of my heart is missing, though it lives just over a couple of hills, in another town, with another family. I keep hoping maybe his mother will relent and if we keep trying, maybe she'll just let him be with us again. Maybe this weekend. Maybe this Wednesday...maybe...or maybe not.
And then he doesn't come, isn't even in school on Wednesdays. He's been stolen from us, and it is so unfair. To him, to us, to the other kids. They deserve to know their brother as a real brother, here in their life regularly, to play with, to fight with, as all siblings should. I hate that he's already become "the brother we never see" to Levi and Esther. I don't think they even realize he's as much of a brother as Noah is. It's just not fair.
People ask me how many kids I have, and if I think I won't have to explain anything, I still say 5. But if it's someone who sees me with my kids, sooner or later, they're going to wonder where this 5th imaginary child is. A couple times lately, I have said I have 4 kids. Even as I type that, the guilt is overwhelming. How can I disown my boy? Oh, Nick, please don't ever think I've disowned you, that I still don't think of you as mine. It just hurts so much to explain to someone who doesn't really need to know and probably won't understand why an "evil stepmother" would be anything but relieved over not having to deal with another woman's child.
Please forgive me, Nick. If I don't cry, it's not because my heart isn't breaking into a million pieces. I just can't cry because if I start, I might never stop. I have to be able to live life, to love and care for what is left of our family, even if it means I must lock the sadness into a room no one lives in any more. Your room.
I love you, Nicolas. More than you will ever know. I pray you are missing me. I hold onto a thin thread of hope that you'll come back to us. It's been over 1/3 of a year. I miss you so much...
Part of my heart is missing, though it lives just over a couple of hills, in another town, with another family. I keep hoping maybe his mother will relent and if we keep trying, maybe she'll just let him be with us again. Maybe this weekend. Maybe this Wednesday...maybe...or maybe not.
And then he doesn't come, isn't even in school on Wednesdays. He's been stolen from us, and it is so unfair. To him, to us, to the other kids. They deserve to know their brother as a real brother, here in their life regularly, to play with, to fight with, as all siblings should. I hate that he's already become "the brother we never see" to Levi and Esther. I don't think they even realize he's as much of a brother as Noah is. It's just not fair.
People ask me how many kids I have, and if I think I won't have to explain anything, I still say 5. But if it's someone who sees me with my kids, sooner or later, they're going to wonder where this 5th imaginary child is. A couple times lately, I have said I have 4 kids. Even as I type that, the guilt is overwhelming. How can I disown my boy? Oh, Nick, please don't ever think I've disowned you, that I still don't think of you as mine. It just hurts so much to explain to someone who doesn't really need to know and probably won't understand why an "evil stepmother" would be anything but relieved over not having to deal with another woman's child.
Please forgive me, Nick. If I don't cry, it's not because my heart isn't breaking into a million pieces. I just can't cry because if I start, I might never stop. I have to be able to live life, to love and care for what is left of our family, even if it means I must lock the sadness into a room no one lives in any more. Your room.
I love you, Nicolas. More than you will ever know. I pray you are missing me. I hold onto a thin thread of hope that you'll come back to us. It's been over 1/3 of a year. I miss you so much...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Hannah Day!
Yesterday was also another very special day! I always thought it was very neat that God had Hannah be born on the very same day Nick came into our lives (at least on paper).
Hannah-girl day. Of course, she's the kind of kid that thinks every day is or should be Hannah day.
Somehow, I ended up with a little girl who is into all things girly...frilly dresses, makeup, I think she would even enjoy the dreaded Barbie if she were allowed in my house. She is my beauty, inside and out.
My favorite times with Hannah are when we talk about God and Heaven. And people who don't know God. Hannah definitely has a heart for people to know Him. She puts me to shame in this way. I can't wait to see what God will do with this heart in her! Amazing things, I'm sure!
She's fun. She's incredible. She's the girl I never knew I always wanted.
She's my baby! I can't believe she is 6 already!
Things she's looking forward to this year, in her own words...
1. Learning to ice skate better. (She's already pretty good!)
2. Going to McDonald's.
3. Going back to the train museum in Penner's. I mean, Pencils-bania.
4. Going to Lilly's house.
5. Learning to crochet better.
6. Playing with Caragen. :)
See, told you she's awesome! I love that girl! Mostly, I just love that she's mine. <3
Hannah-girl day. Of course, she's the kind of kid that thinks every day is or should be Hannah day.
Somehow, I ended up with a little girl who is into all things girly...frilly dresses, makeup, I think she would even enjoy the dreaded Barbie if she were allowed in my house. She is my beauty, inside and out.
My favorite times with Hannah are when we talk about God and Heaven. And people who don't know God. Hannah definitely has a heart for people to know Him. She puts me to shame in this way. I can't wait to see what God will do with this heart in her! Amazing things, I'm sure!
She's fun. She's incredible. She's the girl I never knew I always wanted.
 |
| Caragen and Hannah! |
Things she's looking forward to this year, in her own words...
1. Learning to ice skate better. (She's already pretty good!)
2. Going to McDonald's.
3. Going back to the train museum in Penner's. I mean, Pencils-bania.
4. Going to Lilly's house.
5. Learning to crochet better.
6. Playing with Caragen. :)
See, told you she's awesome! I love that girl! Mostly, I just love that she's mine. <3
Monday, February 21, 2011
A very special day
Today is a very special day. Probably not for the reason you are thinking, as you read this. Yes, it is Hannah's 6th birthday today, and that post will come later. But since this other special day came first, it deserves to come first.
It was 9 years ago, February 21st, 2002. It was a warmish day in Pine Grove, PA, with spring in the air. While Noah napped in his room, I walked up to the mailbox, hoping for something other than a handful of bills.
What I found that day changed the rest of my life in ways I never could have comprehended that afternoon.
But first, a little of the back story that brought us to live in Pine Grove, PA at that time...
It is no secret that Brian and I had a rough few years at the beginning of our marriage. We were both so young (18) and really had no business getting married with the baggage we were both carrying. But we did get married, and while I tried to set up a happy little home (snort), Brian was out...pretending he wasn't married. Sorry, there is no delicate way to say that. He was staying out late, partying, and sleeping with other women. I don't say that to make you all think horrible things about my husband, for he is not that person at ALL anymore, but to understand how we got to this day walking to the mailbox, you have to know what came before. And it was ugly.
So. We ended up separated in the spring of 2001, and back together at the end of the summer, when Noah was 18 months old. At that point, everything was out on the table, Brian admitted he had been a complete _______________ (fill in the blank with whatever nasty word you'd like...but remember, this is not the Brian of today). I had some requirements to us getting back together: 1) We had to move away. The influences here in NY were out of control and I wanted to remove them from his life. 2) We had to attend church as a family. And 3) He had to work. Full-time. No excuses. He agreed, went to school for a few months to learn to drive a tractor trailer, got a job driving out of Carlisle, PA, and we moved to Pine Grove on our 3rd anniversary...January 1, 2002.
Life had been rocky, but it was going to be good now. We began to heal, to learn to work together, learned to be parents as a team, and having only each other to rely on was a big part in that. Then something incredible happened. I found a church for us to attend (remember, requirement 2), and on Brian's second time there, February 3rd, he was moved by the Spirit of the Living God, and accepted Christ as his Savior!
WOOHOO!!! Now life would be really good! The past was behind us, and the future was bright.
Back to the mailbox...
There was an envelope from County Family Court. Weird. Not even the county we had lived in. And it was thick. As I opened it, my heart beat faster until I felt nauseous. Blah, blah, blah, appear on this date, to answer these charges...you are the putative father of Nicolas S. C------, date of birth 2-7-01, whose mother is J----- C-------. Putative? I didn't even know what that word meant, but the rest of it was pretty clear. Brian had another son. Maybe. Noah had a brother. Maybe. I had a stepson. Maybe.
I walked in the house, shaking, glad Noah was still sleeping. Quickly, I called Brian's sister. Yes, she was the first one to know. I asked her if she knew this woman, and she didn't. I asked her to please not say anything to anyone, and she agreed.
Ironically, it was the day Brian was coming in from the road for a few days, and Noah and I went to pick him up at the truck terminal an hour away. I probably wasn't fit to drive, alternating between crying and shaking. My nice, neat world was falling apart before my eyes.
I meant to wait to say anything until we were all in the car. But I couldn't, and my tear-stained face gave me away anyway. The first words out of my mouth were, "Do you know J---- C-----?" He didn't deny it. But it's not like I hadn't known. I knew there were other women. The past was behind, forgiven, gone. Until all of a sudden, it wasn't gone, and turns out, never really would be.
What followed was a lot of pain, a lot of tears, a lot of what ifs, and five months later, when we got to meet Nick, a lot of love. And a lot of healing. And learning what real forgiveness is. It was not easy, and sometimes still is not easy.
Truth be known, had I known then the agony of today, of being kept from MY son, Nicolas, of seeing my other kids miss him desperately, I might have demanded we not have anything to do with him. But there is a reason we don't know what lies ahead for us in life...probably many reasons, most of which we may never know. But I know that the decisions we made then to be in his life as fully as we could be, which led us to move back to NY only 8 months after we had left "for good", were and are the right decisions.
I can't imagine my life without that little boy. My little boy. I never went through labor with him, but the anguish of the heart was more than enough to count him as my own.
It was 9 years ago, February 21st, 2002. It was a warmish day in Pine Grove, PA, with spring in the air. While Noah napped in his room, I walked up to the mailbox, hoping for something other than a handful of bills.
What I found that day changed the rest of my life in ways I never could have comprehended that afternoon.
But first, a little of the back story that brought us to live in Pine Grove, PA at that time...
It is no secret that Brian and I had a rough few years at the beginning of our marriage. We were both so young (18) and really had no business getting married with the baggage we were both carrying. But we did get married, and while I tried to set up a happy little home (snort), Brian was out...pretending he wasn't married. Sorry, there is no delicate way to say that. He was staying out late, partying, and sleeping with other women. I don't say that to make you all think horrible things about my husband, for he is not that person at ALL anymore, but to understand how we got to this day walking to the mailbox, you have to know what came before. And it was ugly.
So. We ended up separated in the spring of 2001, and back together at the end of the summer, when Noah was 18 months old. At that point, everything was out on the table, Brian admitted he had been a complete _______________ (fill in the blank with whatever nasty word you'd like...but remember, this is not the Brian of today). I had some requirements to us getting back together: 1) We had to move away. The influences here in NY were out of control and I wanted to remove them from his life. 2) We had to attend church as a family. And 3) He had to work. Full-time. No excuses. He agreed, went to school for a few months to learn to drive a tractor trailer, got a job driving out of Carlisle, PA, and we moved to Pine Grove on our 3rd anniversary...January 1, 2002.
Life had been rocky, but it was going to be good now. We began to heal, to learn to work together, learned to be parents as a team, and having only each other to rely on was a big part in that. Then something incredible happened. I found a church for us to attend (remember, requirement 2), and on Brian's second time there, February 3rd, he was moved by the Spirit of the Living God, and accepted Christ as his Savior!
WOOHOO!!! Now life would be really good! The past was behind us, and the future was bright.
Back to the mailbox...
There was an envelope from County Family Court. Weird. Not even the county we had lived in. And it was thick. As I opened it, my heart beat faster until I felt nauseous. Blah, blah, blah, appear on this date, to answer these charges...you are the putative father of Nicolas S. C------, date of birth 2-7-01, whose mother is J----- C-------. Putative? I didn't even know what that word meant, but the rest of it was pretty clear. Brian had another son. Maybe. Noah had a brother. Maybe. I had a stepson. Maybe.
I walked in the house, shaking, glad Noah was still sleeping. Quickly, I called Brian's sister. Yes, she was the first one to know. I asked her if she knew this woman, and she didn't. I asked her to please not say anything to anyone, and she agreed.
Ironically, it was the day Brian was coming in from the road for a few days, and Noah and I went to pick him up at the truck terminal an hour away. I probably wasn't fit to drive, alternating between crying and shaking. My nice, neat world was falling apart before my eyes.
I meant to wait to say anything until we were all in the car. But I couldn't, and my tear-stained face gave me away anyway. The first words out of my mouth were, "Do you know J---- C-----?" He didn't deny it. But it's not like I hadn't known. I knew there were other women. The past was behind, forgiven, gone. Until all of a sudden, it wasn't gone, and turns out, never really would be.
What followed was a lot of pain, a lot of tears, a lot of what ifs, and five months later, when we got to meet Nick, a lot of love. And a lot of healing. And learning what real forgiveness is. It was not easy, and sometimes still is not easy.
Truth be known, had I known then the agony of today, of being kept from MY son, Nicolas, of seeing my other kids miss him desperately, I might have demanded we not have anything to do with him. But there is a reason we don't know what lies ahead for us in life...probably many reasons, most of which we may never know. But I know that the decisions we made then to be in his life as fully as we could be, which led us to move back to NY only 8 months after we had left "for good", were and are the right decisions.
I can't imagine my life without that little boy. My little boy. I never went through labor with him, but the anguish of the heart was more than enough to count him as my own.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
And my day!!
Today is also my birthday. My 31st, to be exact. I don't like 31 already. Why? It's such an uneven number! And a prime number at that! I suppose I don't have a choice but to be 31 for an entire year though. Ah well...364 days to go.
My day in food...
Tim Horton's iced cinnamon roll for breakfast! Brian had an appointment with his spine surgeon today, and TH is right around the corner. Couldn't have planned that better if I had tried!
Lunch was Red Robin....YUMM!! They emailed me a coupon for a free birthday burger. Once we got there and told them we were celebrating three birthdays (mine, Noah's, and Hannah's on Monday), we were given the royal treatment. The staff sang us a catchy Happy Birthday tune, and we got three free sundaes! Very nice...
For dinner, since we had a huge lunch, we are just having pie. Berry pie...blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries! Yay for birthday pie!
Maybe 31 isn't so bad after all...
My day in food...
Tim Horton's iced cinnamon roll for breakfast! Brian had an appointment with his spine surgeon today, and TH is right around the corner. Couldn't have planned that better if I had tried!
Lunch was Red Robin....YUMM!! They emailed me a coupon for a free birthday burger. Once we got there and told them we were celebrating three birthdays (mine, Noah's, and Hannah's on Monday), we were given the royal treatment. The staff sang us a catchy Happy Birthday tune, and we got three free sundaes! Very nice...
For dinner, since we had a huge lunch, we are just having pie. Berry pie...blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries! Yay for birthday pie!
Maybe 31 isn't so bad after all...
Eleven already?!
Noah's day...my firstborn. My guinea pig. I hope we haven't messed you up too bad. I don't have a whole lot saved for therapy bills... You got your father's eyes and your mother's teeth. Let's hope you've also got some good things from us!
Some of my favorite "Noah" memories...
- When we lived in PA, we walked to the playground almost every day. One day, you were standing at the top of the slide, screaming your head off. I came rushing over, expecting to find an injury or maybe a bee or spider or something. Nope. There was a fly on the slide. :P You were very cautious and a bit scared of things. It's a good thing you got some siblings to help you get over that!
-Also in PA, when we first learned that Nick was your brother, for sure...you were only 2, but seemed to understand pretty well. You and I made letters for your name and Nicolas' name out of construction paper and artfully arranged them on your bedroom door. We also finger-painted a swirly-blue dinosaur for Nick. I remember that day like it was yesterday...the day you and I embraced Nick in our hearts when we hadn't even met him yet.
-When you had just turned 5 and we had just moved into this house...I went into the bathroom one day to find a jigundous terd in the cat box. Knowing right away whose it was, I called you in to see what you had to say about it. You told me the cat did it, and I told you, "If we have a cat in this house that can poop that big, we have a problem!"
-You got to be there when both Levi and Esther were born, and cut both of their umbilical cords. How very special! You have always loved your siblings so very much! They were your favorite when they were babies, though I think Esther will remain your favorite for all of your life. It makes me smile to know they will always have an awesome big brother to look out for them.
-You are my best eater. Your taste buds are growing up and you'll eat pretty much anything I make. Veggies, meat, casseroles, whatever. With a house full of complainers, I soooooooo appreciate that you appreciate good food!
I hope you know how very special you are to me, and that no matter how big you get, you will always be my little boy. My little boy, dear to my heart, for you were the first piece of it to walk outside of my body. Love you, Noah!
Some of my favorite "Noah" memories...
- When we lived in PA, we walked to the playground almost every day. One day, you were standing at the top of the slide, screaming your head off. I came rushing over, expecting to find an injury or maybe a bee or spider or something. Nope. There was a fly on the slide. :P You were very cautious and a bit scared of things. It's a good thing you got some siblings to help you get over that!
-Also in PA, when we first learned that Nick was your brother, for sure...you were only 2, but seemed to understand pretty well. You and I made letters for your name and Nicolas' name out of construction paper and artfully arranged them on your bedroom door. We also finger-painted a swirly-blue dinosaur for Nick. I remember that day like it was yesterday...the day you and I embraced Nick in our hearts when we hadn't even met him yet.
-When you had just turned 5 and we had just moved into this house...I went into the bathroom one day to find a jigundous terd in the cat box. Knowing right away whose it was, I called you in to see what you had to say about it. You told me the cat did it, and I told you, "If we have a cat in this house that can poop that big, we have a problem!"
-You got to be there when both Levi and Esther were born, and cut both of their umbilical cords. How very special! You have always loved your siblings so very much! They were your favorite when they were babies, though I think Esther will remain your favorite for all of your life. It makes me smile to know they will always have an awesome big brother to look out for them.
-You are my best eater. Your taste buds are growing up and you'll eat pretty much anything I make. Veggies, meat, casseroles, whatever. With a house full of complainers, I soooooooo appreciate that you appreciate good food!
I hope you know how very special you are to me, and that no matter how big you get, you will always be my little boy. My little boy, dear to my heart, for you were the first piece of it to walk outside of my body. Love you, Noah!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Four years (and a day)
A day late and a dollar short...Levi's 4th birthday was yesterday!
It was such a busy day! He went to school, and brought his favorite snack (cinnamon bagels with cream cheese!) to share with friends. I had school on both campuses and then rushed home to make the birthday dinner he requested...more bagels. I tried to convince him that he really wanted bagel SANDWICHES like everyone else, but that ended up with egg, sausage, and cheese on the floor and only the bagel in his belly. I should have just listened to him. Ha. He requested chocolate chip cookies for dessert, and we were all happy to help him eat them!
What I love about you...
It was such a busy day! He went to school, and brought his favorite snack (cinnamon bagels with cream cheese!) to share with friends. I had school on both campuses and then rushed home to make the birthday dinner he requested...more bagels. I tried to convince him that he really wanted bagel SANDWICHES like everyone else, but that ended up with egg, sausage, and cheese on the floor and only the bagel in his belly. I should have just listened to him. Ha. He requested chocolate chip cookies for dessert, and we were all happy to help him eat them!
 |
| Yes, I know it's sideways. Turn your head. |
Achievements for the year...we finally ditched the diapers/pullups! We learned that you have sensory processing disorder, and maybe some other alphabet soup diagnosis...but none of that changes who you are to us and in our family. We have learned that different is not bad...just different!
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- You make me laugh. Every. Single. Day. You are the funniest kid ever!
- Crash hugs! Just warn me first...
- Your strong emotions. There is never a doubt where anyone stands with you!
- Your amazing acrobatic abilities.
- Your awesomely awesomeness!
- You are mine.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Nick
Today is my Nick's birthday. As happens every year, Noah and Nick will be the same age for 9 days. I have two 10 year olds!
You are so loved, Nick. I only wish you knew...
Our family is never complete without you. We love you and miss you very, very, very much. I do hope that while we are missing you, you have a wonderful birthday.
Love you, kiddo.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Why?
Hannah joined me in watching the movie "Amazing Grace" on Netflix streaming. The movie tells the story of how the song was written by John Newton, a slave trader. It was a very good movie, a bit graphic in spots, but I don't think the ugliness of the past should be hidden from children. How will they learn from history if they don't know what happened?
She has been so unexposed to the ugliness of racism that all she could do is ask, over and over again, "But why, Mom? Why would people do that to other people? They're just people with different skin!"
I'm glad she can't understand. There is nothing to understand about one color of man hating another color...as if anyone has any control over the color God has given them!
She has been so unexposed to the ugliness of racism that all she could do is ask, over and over again, "But why, Mom? Why would people do that to other people? They're just people with different skin!"
I'm glad she can't understand. There is nothing to understand about one color of man hating another color...as if anyone has any control over the color God has given them!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Great deals!
Over the past 7 or 8 years, I have developed a method for shopping sales and coupons. Here are some from Rite Aid this week...
Diapers and pullups...regularly $12.49, on sale for $8.99. I also had coupons for these, totalling $7. Total cost: $28.96 or $7.24 per package.
I know, a strange combination for the picture. The Axe body spray are normally $5.99, and after sale, UP reward, and BOGO coupon, I paid 75 cents each. Noah and Nick will each get one for their birthday. They're reaching the "stinky age". LOL
Rite Aid paid me a dollar to take the contact solution away. I paid $7.99, had a $1 coupon, and will get $7.99 back in a Single Check Rebate.
The Maalox cost me a whopping 34 cents after my 20% super-customer discount and a $5 coupon from the Sunday paper a few weeks ago.
Vitamins and supplements are often BOGO at Rite Aid. Rite Aid also will take a coupon for each item, even if it is the free one in the BOGO deal. I got the Cholestoff (yes, I have high cholesterol...and I don't eat much of the things that normally cause that!) for $7.75 each. They were originally $21.49. I had a $4 and a $2 coupon. The melatonin (for Levi to sleep) and vitamin D (for Brian's bones) were also BOGO, and were $13.99 and $11.49 respectively. I had a $3 coupon for each, from AllYou magazine, making the average cost of them about $4 each.
Now for the good stuff. Our snack bin has been running low, and while we don't "need" this stuff, it was also on great sales. The Reese's and Almond Joy pieces were on sale for $2.88 each, normally $3.99. I also had a $2 off 2 coupon from watching Video Values on the Rite Aid website, making them $1.88 each.
Pringles were on sale 2/$3. I had a $1 coupon for them. They are Brian's favorite.
Another favorite for movie night...mixed nuts. These were BOGO at $5.99. I also had a $1 coupon.
The trail mix was 2/$3, with a $1 UP reward with purchase of 2.
Edy's ice cream...regular $5.29. Sale for $2.99 with a $2 UP reward. UP rewards are coupons at the bottom of the receipt, for use on your next purchase. They are the equivalent of cash. Total price: $1.98 for 2 containers of my favorite brand of ice cream!
Dixie plates and bowls...BOGO. Normally $3.99 each and I also had a $3/2 Video Values coupon, making the total price 99 cents for two packages. I have one more of those coupons, and hope to find some plates at a different Rite Aid tomorrow.
All in all, a great week for shopping at Rite Aid! Posting like this is a ton of work though, so don't count on this breakdown often. But I wanted to give any readers (do I have any??) an idea of how I shop.
Diapers and pullups...regularly $12.49, on sale for $8.99. I also had coupons for these, totalling $7. Total cost: $28.96 or $7.24 per package.
I know, a strange combination for the picture. The Axe body spray are normally $5.99, and after sale, UP reward, and BOGO coupon, I paid 75 cents each. Noah and Nick will each get one for their birthday. They're reaching the "stinky age". LOL
Rite Aid paid me a dollar to take the contact solution away. I paid $7.99, had a $1 coupon, and will get $7.99 back in a Single Check Rebate.
The Maalox cost me a whopping 34 cents after my 20% super-customer discount and a $5 coupon from the Sunday paper a few weeks ago.
Vitamins and supplements are often BOGO at Rite Aid. Rite Aid also will take a coupon for each item, even if it is the free one in the BOGO deal. I got the Cholestoff (yes, I have high cholesterol...and I don't eat much of the things that normally cause that!) for $7.75 each. They were originally $21.49. I had a $4 and a $2 coupon. The melatonin (for Levi to sleep) and vitamin D (for Brian's bones) were also BOGO, and were $13.99 and $11.49 respectively. I had a $3 coupon for each, from AllYou magazine, making the average cost of them about $4 each.
Now for the good stuff. Our snack bin has been running low, and while we don't "need" this stuff, it was also on great sales. The Reese's and Almond Joy pieces were on sale for $2.88 each, normally $3.99. I also had a $2 off 2 coupon from watching Video Values on the Rite Aid website, making them $1.88 each.
Pringles were on sale 2/$3. I had a $1 coupon for them. They are Brian's favorite.
Another favorite for movie night...mixed nuts. These were BOGO at $5.99. I also had a $1 coupon.
The trail mix was 2/$3, with a $1 UP reward with purchase of 2.
Edy's ice cream...regular $5.29. Sale for $2.99 with a $2 UP reward. UP rewards are coupons at the bottom of the receipt, for use on your next purchase. They are the equivalent of cash. Total price: $1.98 for 2 containers of my favorite brand of ice cream!
Dixie plates and bowls...BOGO. Normally $3.99 each and I also had a $3/2 Video Values coupon, making the total price 99 cents for two packages. I have one more of those coupons, and hope to find some plates at a different Rite Aid tomorrow.
All in all, a great week for shopping at Rite Aid! Posting like this is a ton of work though, so don't count on this breakdown often. But I wanted to give any readers (do I have any??) an idea of how I shop.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Menu planning
I used to plan one meal of the day, and got out of the habit. Last night, I had some dead time in class, so I decided to plan for this month. It makes my life so much easier, though it is such a small thing. It eliminates the "what's for dinner, what do I feel like eating, what do I feel like making, what do I have ingredients for" dilemma at the time of day when I have the least amount of energy.
What I did first was to make a list of meals: our regular meals, things I either have all the ingredients for already or just need one or two things, and a couple different meals mixed in.
Then I sketched out the month, filling in days I know there are things going on. Four of the kids have birthdays this month, and they get to choose the meal on their birthday (or another close day if the birthday doesn't work out), so I left those open for now.
Next, I started filling in the days. My school schedule helped decide where to put things. Monday is very meat heavy, things I can put in the crockpot, since that is my long day of school, and I am not a big meat eater. Yesterday, they had boneless pork ribs and potatoes with BBQ sauce in the crockpot. Tuesdays, I have class until 6:50, so those are simple, quick meals. Any high prep meals need to land on the weekend.
This is what I came up with for this month...
T, 1...grilled cheese and soup
W, 2...lemon pepper chicken, rice, veggie
Th, 3...blueberry pancakes, sausage, cantaloupe
F, 4...spaghetti and meatballs
Sa, 5...leaving this open for Nick's birthday meal, if we have him
Su, 6...turkey breast (on sale this week), mashed sweet potatoes, other sides
M, 7...beef roast in crockpot
T, 8...meatball subs, salad
W, 9...Levi's birthday! He'll either pick box mac and cheese or chicken nuggets. Maybe both.
Th, 10...Levi's party at McDonald's.
F, 11...Frnech toast, bacon, fruit
Sa, 12...leaving this open for Nick's birthday meal, if we have him
Su, 13...family bday party...chicken riggies!
M, 14...venison and eggs (blech. Glad I'll be in school for this!)
T, 15...PIZZA!!! I'll pick it up after school. This is my birthday meal.
W, 16...Noah's birthday (and mine). He'll pick something fun.
Th, 17...pot pies
F, 18...tacos
Sa, 19...Pampered Chef party!
Su, 20...Hannah's birthday meal. Her birthday is the 21st, but that's my long school day, so she gets her meal a day early.
M, 21...burgers
T, 22...cheesy chicken and rice bake (will make before school and have Noah put in so it's ready when I get home)
W, 23...cheese chowder (YUM!)
Th, 24...Noah's friend party at Chuck E Cheese
F, 25...macaroni and cheese, veggie
Sa, 26...sausage ziti, salad, garlic bread
Su, 27...leftovers
M, 28...pork chops, mashed potatoes, veggie
What I did first was to make a list of meals: our regular meals, things I either have all the ingredients for already or just need one or two things, and a couple different meals mixed in.
Then I sketched out the month, filling in days I know there are things going on. Four of the kids have birthdays this month, and they get to choose the meal on their birthday (or another close day if the birthday doesn't work out), so I left those open for now.
Next, I started filling in the days. My school schedule helped decide where to put things. Monday is very meat heavy, things I can put in the crockpot, since that is my long day of school, and I am not a big meat eater. Yesterday, they had boneless pork ribs and potatoes with BBQ sauce in the crockpot. Tuesdays, I have class until 6:50, so those are simple, quick meals. Any high prep meals need to land on the weekend.
This is what I came up with for this month...
T, 1...grilled cheese and soup
W, 2...lemon pepper chicken, rice, veggie
Th, 3...blueberry pancakes, sausage, cantaloupe
F, 4...spaghetti and meatballs
Sa, 5...leaving this open for Nick's birthday meal, if we have him
Su, 6...turkey breast (on sale this week), mashed sweet potatoes, other sides
M, 7...beef roast in crockpot
T, 8...meatball subs, salad
W, 9...Levi's birthday! He'll either pick box mac and cheese or chicken nuggets. Maybe both.
Th, 10...Levi's party at McDonald's.
F, 11...Frnech toast, bacon, fruit
Sa, 12...leaving this open for Nick's birthday meal, if we have him
Su, 13...family bday party...chicken riggies!
M, 14...venison and eggs (blech. Glad I'll be in school for this!)
T, 15...PIZZA!!! I'll pick it up after school. This is my birthday meal.
W, 16...Noah's birthday (and mine). He'll pick something fun.
Th, 17...pot pies
F, 18...tacos
Sa, 19...Pampered Chef party!
Su, 20...Hannah's birthday meal. Her birthday is the 21st, but that's my long school day, so she gets her meal a day early.
M, 21...burgers
T, 22...cheesy chicken and rice bake (will make before school and have Noah put in so it's ready when I get home)
W, 23...cheese chowder (YUM!)
Th, 24...Noah's friend party at Chuck E Cheese
F, 25...macaroni and cheese, veggie
Sa, 26...sausage ziti, salad, garlic bread
Su, 27...leftovers
M, 28...pork chops, mashed potatoes, veggie
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