Loss

When you endure a loss that knocks you to your knees...

When day by day, someone you love more than life just...slips away...

When there is nothing you can do to stop it...

When people try to comfort that this loss is not so bad...

When all you can do is cry...alone...

...God is there.

When a child dies, people grieve with you.  When an unborn baby is lost, many understand.

But this loss...this one very few know.  The loss of losing a child who lives on still.  The day by day, little by little loss of a child, but not to death, not to disease, not even to harmful things of their own choosing.  The loss of a child to a mother who hates his father.  The loss of a child to a mother who hates God.

This is the loss of a child.  My child.  We are losing him.  We have already lost him.  I'll always be his mom, and he'll always be my son.  People don't understand, but he is already gone...

And yet, the rest of "us" have to go on. 



Insanity

Einstein's definition of insanity...

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
It's very true. 

Our family is going to be having some really big changes coming up.  I can't go into them here at this point, but know that God is leading us to good things.  Change is scary, for sure, but also so very exciting!

Everything

Everything falls apart.
Cars.
Houses.
Bodies.
Families.

We can't hold any of it together in our own power.
I can't hold any of it together.

For many years, I mourned the loss of the vision I had of a "whole family."  Without my Bible study ladies, I doubt I'd have made it through those years.  But I did.

And just when I started to accept that my little, imperfect family was just right...BAM.  Gone.  G.o.n.e.

We can see him now.  For 4 hours a week.  With supervision.  IF his mother lets him come.

Even when he is here, it's abnormal.  Nothing fits.  We're all nervous.  She knows she can do as she pleases, and he...my little boy...he has changed.  He's not really a part of us anymore, even though he always will be.

Somehow, the six of us have got to get our feet under us again.  We've got to learn to live without him.  The Nick-sized hole in our lives is tearing us all to pieces.

We are not okay.
And I can't hold any of it together...