Mixed-up Grieving

Grieving is strange.  You start out grieving one thing, usually the obvious thing.  In this case, the loss of someone you loved.  But then you find that you are grieving so much more. 

Brian's dad is gone.  He died three weeks ago today, laying in his bed, watching TV.  We had almost a year warning, as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer in his tongue and mouth last year.  You're still never ready to lose a parent, and no one realized he was as close as he was to meeting Jesus.

Complicating that grief is...knowing that the turmoil-filled relationship Brian and his dad had when he was a child mirrors the relationship Brian has with Nick, in a lot of ways.  It's pretty eerie, actually.  Oh, how we love and miss that boy...but the decision we made was what is best for all of us.  I hope someday he will understand.  Brian did come to understand why his dad "gave up" on him, many years later.  I still remember the day Brian's dad sobbed while he told Brian he was sorry for all that happened.  I'm glad he had that chance.

Brian is doing the same job his dad did for 23 years...driving a truck.  I hope that is a comfort to him, but it is so hard on us here at home.  The kids need him.  I need him.  And he needs us.  But a man's got to do what a man's got to do...

And then there is the accident crap.  We're sneaking up on four years.  FOUR YEARS.  It's really hard to believe it's been that long.  On the other hand, it seems this has been our life forever now.  I find myself not focusing so much on what once was, with just the occasional glimpse back to what we didn't know was a simpler time.

All of these things are all balled up in one big ball of grief.  There are so many days it is just one foot in front of the other for us.  Most days are that way for me lately.  We'll keep moving forward though.  There's not really another option.

Our hope is in the One Who knows how it will all come together for good...

Trainwreck

Don't you hate when you can see the train coming and know it's going to wreck...and there's not a darn thing you can do to stop it?

He should have been able to say goodbye...

Cancer sucks.

Stalked

Yeah, I know it's a public blog.

But seriously?

Oh wait, I should introduce my watchers...

Hey, everyone (all 4 of you :P), meet TractorMan's lawyer.

Nothing to see here, TractorMan and his lawyer.  You won't find anything that trips us up or shows us to be liars.  Because we're not.

Since you want to know, let me tell you all about my SuperMan...

You see, my husband may be back to work, but he is still in pain every flipping day of his life.  All day.  Every day.  He works because he's a real man, who takes his responsibilities to his family very seriously.  So seriously that even though it meant he had to be away from us every week, all week, and sleep in a bunk in his truck, he took a job.  Because that's what good men do, as long as they can.  And he couldn't get anything local because everything local involved loading and unloading.  He worked local for almost 5 years before the accident.  So thanks for that.  Really, my kids thank you that Daddy has to tuck them in over the phone.  I thank you too.  His dad died two weeks ago and we get to grieve together over the phone.  It's great.  You should try it.  He gets to be home 8 days a month, if he's lucky.  But it pays the bills...and we are thankful for the job and his ability to work.  For now.  Because I can tell you right now that it ain't gonna last forever.  You know, that pesky "broke half my body" pain all day and night thing. 

He's a good man.  He's honest as the day is long...anyone who knows him will tell you he's actually too honest.  He loves God, loves his wife (that would be me), loves his kids, loves his church, loves his friends...he even tries to love his enemies and probably does a better job at it then I do.  You'd be lucky to know him.  He's a good guy.

I think if you've got enough time on your hands to follow me around here and to demand my facebook information (nothing to see there either...because DUH, there's nothing to see...who the heck would fake this?  And how exactly do you fake broken bones and 9 surgeries?)...you've got plenty of time to go suck on a rotten egg or a hairy terd or something.  Make sure to look at all of my posts and my pictures as you do.  Take special note of the ones in the album "Brian's accident".  Two and a half years of putting Humpty-Dumpty back together again.  Kind of. 

Gosh, I'm sick of people...

Avoidance

I've been neglecting writing here.  I know it.  I've been back several times, started to type, and then closed the tab and moved onto something else.  There is so much I want to write that I'm lost as to where to start.  And I think I'm scared to start because I'm not sure I can do justice to the words that race in elaborate designs in my mind.

I'm also avoiding acknowledging and dealing with some things.  But is it really avoiding if you admit you're avoiding it?  I don't know.  I know I need to stop avoiding these things though.  So I promise to be back soon and actually have something to say.  Come chase me down if I "forget", okay?  Thanks!