TWELVE?!?!

Dear Noah,

Tonight, as I labor over your devil's food cupcakes with penuche frosting (okay, the laboring only involves the frosting...but it's worth it!), I ponder another labor...12 years ago.

I'm not really sure how it got to be that many years.  I guess time just keeps marching forward, as they say.  But on that night, February 15, 2000, I knew my life was about to change.  I had no idea how it would change or how wonderful being a mom would be...and how hard it would be.

I thought that labor was hard.  It wasn't.  Not really, compared with a lifetime of parenting (I really don't have hopes of stopping my "labors" over you when you turn 18...just the nature of being a mom, I guess!).

This labor of growing a baby into a man, this path that stretches before us...I often don't know where to put my foot next.  And I mess this mom thing up all the time, stumbling and making a mess of things on a near daily basis.  I hope that in time, as you grow into an adult, you'll forgive me and better understand how much I have loved you through it all. 

I loved you in the beginning.  Your perfect little egg head with the blond tuft of hair.  Your blue eyes like your Daddy.  Your first words.  Your first steps.  You were just perfect, and I was determined to be the perfect mom!

I loved you as you grew.  Watching you become a big brother, seeing how much you love babies.  Seeing you learn new things every day.  You weren't really perfect anymore though...and you weren't alone in that!

I love you now.  Oh, I love you now more than ever, Noah Gregory!  In the moments I want to tear my hair from my head...I love you.  In the moments your sweet, gentle spirit shines through...I love you.  In the moments that make me so proud to be your mom, and in the moments I'm pretty sure God didn't know what He was doing in giving you to me.  Every moment of every day...I love you.  I am nowhere near a perfect mom, but this one thing I do know...I love you.

This is such an awkward time in a boy's life, so I've read and been told.  I haven't ever been a boy, so I don't really know.  I think it's a time of leaving little boyhood behind, of becoming a man.  A time of figuring out who you are and what you stand for.  A time of becoming, a time of being, a time of growing.  It can be rough, this journey...

I don't often know where I fit anymore.  Twelve years ago, I was pretty sure I had this parenting thing all figured out, but today, as I look at you nearly eye to eye, I realize that I don't know a darn thing.  I can only hope that the stubborn nature that is in me and the stubborn nature that is in you will always give way to love.

God's grace is sufficient for both of us on this journey.  We'll make it, Noah, and one day we'll look back on these days of "boy turning to man" and laugh ourselves silly.  Until then, always, always remember your Momma loves you more than any thing in the world.

Happy birthday, My Boy!

Love always and forever,
Momma


PS...one more year to a facebook of your very own! :)

Hold that lemon tart

Househunting is on hold.  For maybe a year.  Hopefully not more.

It stinks.

But somehow...it seems we've learned to bounce back from a whole lot of crap. 

This is a minor bump in the road.

And I will be making that darned lemon tart.  Someday.