My thoughts on gay marriage

In case you weren't aware, a bill including gay marriage was voted in today, making NY the 6th state in the country to legalize gay marriage.

Some are celebrating.  Some are mourning.  I'm going to pick apart my thoughts here...and they may  not agree with yours, whether you fall on the side for or against gay marriage.

I had a friend who was gay (had because he died a year and a half ago, from a drug reaction completely unrelated to his gay-ness).  I was a crappy friend.  We went to school together, and for a few years were very close friends.  David was annoying, but he was real.  He was adventurous, and he loved people.  He just loved them, not expecting much of anything in return.  And, did I mention, he was gay.

Now, David had some other issues, mental health type issues, and about a year before he died, I cut him out of my life.  Unfriended him on FB.  I was disgusted with his life, with his blatant sin.  And then he died.  And I realized that I had it all wrong.  Well, not all.  But a lot.  Underneath all of the "stuff" of life, David was still David.  He was still my friend, and I let him down.  I will always regret that.

Some may not agree, but I think Jesus would have had dinner with gay/lesbian/whatever people.  I know he would not have agreed with the lifestyle, but he would have loved the person.  The broken, hurting person who somehow let Satan get ahold of his or her life in this way...that person, Jesus loves.  Jesus died for them too.  Who do we think we are that we avoid getting our hands messy in people's lives because they are gay? 

We are not above them.  We ARE them.  Our sin may look different, may not be so in your face, but it is sin all the same.  We are all as black and defiled as death, without Jesus!  Whether it be the pastor who has a problem with porn, the woman who aborts her own flesh and blood (oh, another hot topic for a later day), the teen who gives in to hormones, the father who destroys his kids with his words, the child who steals a candy bar from the store.  We are all sinners.  No one has or can meet the standard of absolute holiness God requires.  We all need Jesus.  The gay man.  The lesbian lovers.  The people who are so sexually confused they aren't even sure who they are!  I am not any better than any of these people.

So.  Those are my thoughts on GLBT people.  They are first PEOPLE.  And then, gay.

My thoughts on gay marriage are quite a bit more "right wing conservative".  Marriage is to be between man and woman.  Period.  I am not personally opposed to civil unions, resembling a contract.  Do I think it falls outside of what God planned for us?  Yes.  But I do think it is wrong to deny gay couples health insurance.  I know it is wrong to deny any loved one chosen by a patient to make medical decisions for the patient.  Visiting rights, in hospitals or anywhere else it applies, should be given to a life partner.  These are PEOPLE, forcryingoutloud.  People who love.  Misguided?  Yes.  Sinful?  Yes.  Again, as am I.  But any way of treating gay people as less than human is not much better than slavery, IMO. 

I do believe marriage should have been protected, and left to one man and one woman.  But you know what?  This law is not earth-shattering.  Sin is going on all around us, all the time.  Legalized sin.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't see it.

I'll still be married tomorrow.  And maybe Jim and Joe (totally ficticious names) will be too, in the lovely state of NY.  Will that really affect my marriage?  Is my marriage less of a marriage now, because Jim and Joe are permitted to marry?  No, I don't believe so.  It shouldn't affect Christian marriage any more than the hundreds of thousands of non-believers who marry without having Christ as the center.  And, you know, I've seen Christian marriages who haven't done that bang up of job either.

How about we all mind our own business?  Love people as Jesus loves them?  Let God deal with the sin in our own lives?  How about trusting that he can deal with all of the sin in the world?  He will.  In time.  Not much we can do about anyone else's sin, right??

And David?  I am eternally sorry.  I wish I had one more day with you...

A terrible dream

I've been hoping that I will wake up soon and find this all has been a terrible dream. 

Brian will be getting up to work at 6 am every day, and come home after a full day of work, smelling like stinky, sweaty, concrete covered man.

We'll collect a paycheck once a week that will pay the bills, and a hefty tax return once a year that will pay for all those "extras" like a couple simple camping trips, homeschool curriculum, new tires/vehicle maintenance, and whatever new gadgets we've been looking at.

Brian will complain of minor back pain from working hard 40-55 hours a week.  He won't know what it is like to have major pain all day every day.  He won't know what it is like to wish he could work, but not be able.

I will complain of all my time alone with the kids, wishing Brian could help more.  I won't know what it is like to take care of the kids AND my husband after his many surgeries.  I won't know what it is like to have to leave the house to go to school or work, knowing this was not the plan for this time in our lives.

The kids won't know what it is like to watch a Daddy in pain.  We'll go on hikes in the woods.  Long hikes, on and off trails.  I'll get to hike up that waterfall I missed out on because Hannah and Levi were too little.

We won't have to deal with Nick's mother being all greedy, thinking all of our pain and upheavel should get her something.  We will still have Nick as we always did, and complain of it not being enough time with him, never knowing what it is like to be without him for 8 months.

We won't have to take food stamps.  Or the "looks" from those who can't possibly know or understand our story.  We won't have to ask people for help with things we can do on our own.  We won't even know how good we have it.

We will be able to help other people again.  Someone's moving?  Brian will be the first one there and the last one to leave.  Someone needs help with their house or car?  Brian will be there, even after working all day long.  In fact, he will help people so much that I will get annoyed and be the nagging wife I was.

But it's not going to happen.  This isn't all a terrible dream.  This is life.  My life.  Our life. 

***********************

Soon after the accident, Brian told me he didn't want us to come through this without God changing us, because if we just went back to life as we knew it, what would be the point of the pain?  There has to be a point.  Surely, there does.  God wouldn't just allow all of this for nothing, right?

And yet, here I sit, wishing we could go back.  Things were simpler then.  At least in hindsight.  But were they really?  Probably not.  We still had problems.  They were just not THESE problems.

If we really ask to go back to those days, I'd say we're an awful lot like the Israelites demanding to go back to Egypt after God freed them.  This is our time in the wilderness, I have no doubt.  But will it go on 40 years?  I sure hope not.  Oh how I long to see our Promised Land...

Oh, Nicolas...

It's been over 7 months.  Will be 8 months on the 23rd.
Eight months since you've been in our house.
Eight months since you've slept in your bed.
Worn your clothes.  I bet your shoes won't even fit anymore.
Hugged your baby Essie, making her laugh as only you can (oh, how she's grown, big brother).
Fought with Hannah over something ridiculous, and then declared her "your favorite".
Climbed a tree with Noah.  Had a sleepover in his room.
Helped Levi with a computer game.  Been adored by him.

Oh, Nick.  You've missed so much.  My heart can try to absorb the pain quietly, but when I see your siblings in pain, it floods and overflows.  I'm sorry, Nick.

There's a stack of Christmas and birthday presents in the closet.  Don't be mad, but I opened one.  It was the next book in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series and it was supposed to be yours and Noah's.  It's still yours, kiddo.  I'm sorry, Nick.

We never even bought your birthday present from us.  You were supposed to get a new bike this year.  A big 10 year old kid bike.  But you weren't here to pick it out or ride it.  So it stayed in the store.  I'm sorry, Nick.

You're graduating from 4th grade, finishing life at your elementary school.  I'm sorry we can't all be there.  I hope you will know we love you and miss you soooooo much.  I hope you can feel us loving you from far away.  I'm so sorry, Nick.

We weren't in your life for the first 17 months, but for 12 months, we didn't even know about you.  And then we spent the next 5 fighting to see you, son.  This is 100x worse pain than that.  We know you.  We love you.  You belong to our family.  Yes, you belong to Mommy's family too, but that shouldn't remove you from ours.  Lots of kids have two families.  And so many of them seem to do it better than this.  I'm so so so so sorry, Nick.

I'm sorry for your broken home, that you didn't choose.  I'm sorry for all the tears you've cried and will cry.  I'm sorry for all the days you missed here, and even the days you missed there.  No kid should have to go through this.  I'm sorry, Nick.

I'll never stop loving you, bud.  Never.  I might push the hurt down, so that I can get out of bed and be a mom for the other kids.  But there is a Nick-size hole in my heart, and only you can fill it.  I miss you and I love you.  God knows...

Church-hopping

No, that's not what we're doing.  But we are taking some time to visit some other churches in the area. 

Why are we doing this?  Well, someone from my past, who has no place in my present or future, has planted himself in my church.  He won't leave (yet), so we have.  Hopefully temporarily.  We'll see what God does...it may be permanent, and that will be okay too.  Not fun, but okay. 

Good things we hope to find...

• GOD!  I think it will be good to be able to see God in other churches and places other than the one we've been in for the past, uh, ever. 
• I also hope this will help our kids to see God is alive and working in other places, and this doesn't have to look exactly the same everywhere.
• A stronger family identity.  Kids who identify more with our family unit than with any other group of people (no matter how awesome and loving...family FIRST!).
• Growth in Brian and I.  This is a very stretching experience for us all.
• Healing.  God's hand on my heart, healing the things that hurt so badly.

Hard things...

• Leaving friends, not knowing if it is temporary or permanent.  I mean, they're still our friends, but it's different when you don't see them every week.  And it hurts.  Bad.  I intend to keep up with everyone, and things like Facebook help some, but everyone is so busy...it's going to be work to keep friendships strong and current.
• Brokenness.  I feel so very broken right now, from "having" to leave our church, and from other hard things in life.  The pride in me would rather not walk into a church of mostly strangers and cry through all of worship and half the sermon.  But it's all I can do.  I have nothing to give right now, and that's okay.  I just wish it didn't have to be such a public brokenness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This past Sunday, we went to a church our pastor and others had recommended to us.  It's a new-er church, only a couple/few years old.  Pretty small, although they just moved into a new building (which used to be the skating rink I hung out at when I was a teen!).  We knew a handful of people, which was nice, with one good friend who instantly reduced me to a blubbering mess with her tender welcome.  The service was good.  Different from what we're used to, but good.  God was definitely there.  And this is definitely stretching all of us...

Noah cried the night before.  I didn't expect him to have too much of a hard time, but I was wrong.  Then he howled most of the way to church.  Hannah was also very unhappy, but not as bad as I thought she would be.  She was most upset that this church didn't have children's church for anyone over 5.  I let her bring a coloring book, and Noah brought a notebook, but they are definitely big enough to sit through a service now, and although this was their only but very LOUD complaint, it's not one we will use if we do have to choose a new home church.

Next week...I think we're going to my parents' church, since it is Father's Day.  I know we would be welcome there all the time, and we know pretty much the whole church, but I feel like we need our space as a family.  So we'll enjoy visiting a more familiar church next week.  And then see where God leads us from there.

One oh.so.hysterical moment as visitors...Levi likes to sneak up to the front of the van and honk the horn before we can stop him.  Only this time, it didn't do a quick beep and then we all scream, "LEVI!"  Oh no, this time, the horn stuck ON!  It was probably only 30 seconds, but it felt like half of forever.  Great, Levi.  Way to draw attention to the new people!  LOL...life is never dull.

Dear stupid...

Dear stupid car accident,
     I wish you would have never happened.
     Thanks a lot for taking my man and crushing first his body and then his spirit.
     Thanks a lot for leaving my kids with a Dad who can't climb mountains with them, or run and play soccer, or even walk through the grocery store most days.
     Thanks for leaving me with a husband who never feels good enough, no matter what I do or say.
     Thanks for ensuring that our future is full of doctors and surgeries.
     Thank you for removing pretty much everything that was simple in life.

     I could be whining about totally different things right now, never knowing how good I had it...
        
     So really, thank you.  I've learned not to take for granted the life that we had.  Can we have it back now?  No?  Thanks a lot.





PS to readers...yes, I know we have tons of things to be thankful for.  That doesn't mean that a whole lot of things don't just plain suck.  Sometimes I get tired of making lemonade.

May to June

May was...awful.

• the month long puke and liquid poo fest
• the un-vacation that will live on forever in time
• the past coming full force into the present, and finally being dealt with

June...is going to be a much better month.