These were the 5 repeated phrases from the VBS our church just finished:
Day 1: No matter who you are...trust God!
Day 2: No matter how you feel...trust God!
Day 3: No matter what people do...trust God!
Day 4: No matter what happens...trust God!
Day 5: No matter where you are...trust God!
Do you see a common theme there? ;) I was a crew leader (aka helper) in the preschool. I felt kind of obligated to be there because both of my kids were there and one of them is a super duper handful (take a wild guess...starts with an L). It was (mostly) a good time though and I was very often reminded that I need to trust God with every tiny detail in my life. All of them. Just trust Him.
You wouldn't think trust would be such a hard thing. After all, God has never ever ever proven Himself untrustworthy in my life. In the past, every hard thing, even the really terrible things, have been used by God for my good. I can see it, looking back. Why then, is it so very difficult to see the good in the "now" hard things? I guess it's all a matter of faith, of constantly choosing to see the end result is going to be good...even when what I see now is terribly hard and definitely not good.
The 4th tractor-versary of Brian's accident was last Friday. I meant to post something here that day, but it was the last day of VBS. And my 13 year old cat died the night before. And I had a massive headache all day from a "flying truck" incident at Day 4 VBS. So...I let the day go by, just trying to hold on and get through it. Which I did, in case you're wondering.
I've come to realize that for Brian and I, life will always be split into two sections...before and after. I've also come to realize that, except for those who are very close to us, other people don't see our lives that way. For them, 4 years is long enough that Brian just "is" the way he is. The accident is water that has long ago passed under the bridge. There is no then and now, no before and after. I think they don't even remember him/us before. They don't live it every day, so I can't really blame them.
But I remember.
I remember a father who loved to hike off trails with his kids.
I remember a father who could kick or throw a ball without pain.
I remember a father who could relieve me every night, even after he worked all day.
I remember a father who would climb the stairs every night and put the kids to bed.
I remember a father who rough-housed with the kids, rolling on the floor with them, roaring with laughter.
Some of my kids don't and won't remember that dad. I am glad they still *have* a dad. Don't get me wrong. But it breaks my heart to think of all the "can't dos".
I remember a Paul Bunyan of a man...logging and cutting up our heat for the winter.
I remember a man who liked to rollerblade and ride a bike.
I remember a husband who could go for a walk around the block.
I remember a husband who wasn't afraid of anything.
I remember a man who really didn't know what pain was.
God has done great and amazing things in our life since the accident. And yet...so much is left undone still, even 4 years later. I never imagined we would be floating in limbo this long, not sure of what to do or where to go next.
I would have though by now, God, You would have reached down, and wiped our tears away.
God is still good. Life is still good, even if it takes a little longer to find the good. We will make it through this, even if "this" is the rest of our lives, as it appears to be. I must daily choose to trust the One Who knows my name, the One Who sees my hurt, the One Who loves me. There really is no other option, besides despair.
{{{Donna}}}
ReplyDeleteI hear the pain in the words you type. AND I also hear the trust in Our Lord in those very same words. My prayer for you is for HIS Strength, HIS Comfort, HIS Peace and HIS Joy.
My love to you, my friend.
Thank you, dear SharMar. Trust and pain are such an interesting combination. I can say for sure that my faith muscles are much stronger than they were 4 years ago, even despite the pain.
Delete((Donna))
ReplyDeleteI understand. My best friend's father was in a horrible car accident 10 years ago. This was a man who held a double doctorate. Now, he fights to remember the names of those he loves. Both Brian and J's dad have lost that which really meant a lot to them, and we fight the urge to break down in tears at the reality of the current situation.
Yes, to many people, it is what it is -- there is no before, no after. To those who are closest, there is still pain and mourning the loss of what once was. But as time goes by, the mourning becomes less and less, and the celebrations of the small things become more frequent.
It is always hard to believe that good things come from these painful situations, but they do. And while it can get quite overwhelming while walking through it, I imagine that it would be beyond all comprehension if we were able to see the end result. So we work through it, hour by hour, day by day. And slowly we realize all of the amazing things that have happened along the way; even if it is just the simple fact of having our loved ones near to share the little quirky day to day stuff -- things that would long be forgotten by the end of the work day.
((Love and hugs)) It *will* work out in the end. Maybe not according to our plans -- but it will still be okay.
Thank you. Some days, it seems the mourning will never end.
DeleteThank God we will all have new, perfect bodies in eternity!
Hugs to you, Donna!
ReplyDelete