Mixed-up Grieving

Grieving is strange.  You start out grieving one thing, usually the obvious thing.  In this case, the loss of someone you loved.  But then you find that you are grieving so much more. 

Brian's dad is gone.  He died three weeks ago today, laying in his bed, watching TV.  We had almost a year warning, as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer in his tongue and mouth last year.  You're still never ready to lose a parent, and no one realized he was as close as he was to meeting Jesus.

Complicating that grief is...knowing that the turmoil-filled relationship Brian and his dad had when he was a child mirrors the relationship Brian has with Nick, in a lot of ways.  It's pretty eerie, actually.  Oh, how we love and miss that boy...but the decision we made was what is best for all of us.  I hope someday he will understand.  Brian did come to understand why his dad "gave up" on him, many years later.  I still remember the day Brian's dad sobbed while he told Brian he was sorry for all that happened.  I'm glad he had that chance.

Brian is doing the same job his dad did for 23 years...driving a truck.  I hope that is a comfort to him, but it is so hard on us here at home.  The kids need him.  I need him.  And he needs us.  But a man's got to do what a man's got to do...

And then there is the accident crap.  We're sneaking up on four years.  FOUR YEARS.  It's really hard to believe it's been that long.  On the other hand, it seems this has been our life forever now.  I find myself not focusing so much on what once was, with just the occasional glimpse back to what we didn't know was a simpler time.

All of these things are all balled up in one big ball of grief.  There are so many days it is just one foot in front of the other for us.  Most days are that way for me lately.  We'll keep moving forward though.  There's not really another option.

Our hope is in the One Who knows how it will all come together for good...