Oh, Nicolas...

It's been over 7 months.  Will be 8 months on the 23rd.
Eight months since you've been in our house.
Eight months since you've slept in your bed.
Worn your clothes.  I bet your shoes won't even fit anymore.
Hugged your baby Essie, making her laugh as only you can (oh, how she's grown, big brother).
Fought with Hannah over something ridiculous, and then declared her "your favorite".
Climbed a tree with Noah.  Had a sleepover in his room.
Helped Levi with a computer game.  Been adored by him.

Oh, Nick.  You've missed so much.  My heart can try to absorb the pain quietly, but when I see your siblings in pain, it floods and overflows.  I'm sorry, Nick.

There's a stack of Christmas and birthday presents in the closet.  Don't be mad, but I opened one.  It was the next book in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series and it was supposed to be yours and Noah's.  It's still yours, kiddo.  I'm sorry, Nick.

We never even bought your birthday present from us.  You were supposed to get a new bike this year.  A big 10 year old kid bike.  But you weren't here to pick it out or ride it.  So it stayed in the store.  I'm sorry, Nick.

You're graduating from 4th grade, finishing life at your elementary school.  I'm sorry we can't all be there.  I hope you will know we love you and miss you soooooo much.  I hope you can feel us loving you from far away.  I'm so sorry, Nick.

We weren't in your life for the first 17 months, but for 12 months, we didn't even know about you.  And then we spent the next 5 fighting to see you, son.  This is 100x worse pain than that.  We know you.  We love you.  You belong to our family.  Yes, you belong to Mommy's family too, but that shouldn't remove you from ours.  Lots of kids have two families.  And so many of them seem to do it better than this.  I'm so so so so sorry, Nick.

I'm sorry for your broken home, that you didn't choose.  I'm sorry for all the tears you've cried and will cry.  I'm sorry for all the days you missed here, and even the days you missed there.  No kid should have to go through this.  I'm sorry, Nick.

I'll never stop loving you, bud.  Never.  I might push the hurt down, so that I can get out of bed and be a mom for the other kids.  But there is a Nick-size hole in my heart, and only you can fill it.  I miss you and I love you.  God knows...